Mumma Journal 101

mumma mia-the washing machine is on the fritz

2010-04-03T08:55:00.002+10:00

Today is a very sad day - It was only 3 days ago we were talking about our wonderful and very reliable washing machine. At 8 years of age it has never missed a beat and we were being ever so thankful for that in light of the fact that work has been sporadic since Christmas and a new washing machine is the last thing that we needed to worry about. Well today I have had to eat my words - The washing machine is not working and the pile is mounting. I suppose I will be spending many a happy hour at the laundromat for a while. This sux hehehe

Annoyed

2010-03-25T19:59:00.002+10:00

Today was a great day - started out beautifully. I woke up feeling good and got ready for the school drop off then an hour long drive to some great outlet shopping. I found the shoes that miss 13 year old has been wanting for the last 6 months. Got one of the gifts for my son for his 8th birthday next week - life was good.

Then we drove home. Sometimes the astonishing differences between my hubby and I are just totally overwhelming. there was a massive misunderstanding this afternoon and I am assuming we may be speaking again by next week LOL.

6 months later

2010-03-22T13:24:00.004+10:00

Gee guys it is difficult to know just where to start!!! So much has happened in the last few months so here goes....Lincoln is the most gorgeous little guy and is a happy 6 month old. We are loving having a baby in our family. Life has been turned totally upside down by him but that is okay.

I had surgery in November to remove my gastric band
I had surgery in December to remove a cricket ball sized ovarian cyst
I had two wisdom teeth removed in January
I continued to feel pretty ordinary until this month and hey presto I am on the mend.

The only thing that persists is a little tiny bit of blurry vision at times and the eye surgeon that I have seen has said that he believes it is a combination of a lot of anesthetic and a lack of sleep and will get better with time so it is onward and upward for us.

Having 5 kids is a lot more of an adjustment than I was expecting it to be! I have no idea what I was expecting but I certainly haven't been able to turn around and just cope as well as I did any other time. So it is my hope that by the time Lincoln is a year old that we will have this whole 5 kid family thing sorted out.

The washing is probably the most overwhelming thing! It grows daily and we have been toilet traning our 2 year old so that makes for even more washes every day. Some days I feel like I can get on top of it all and other days I just want to sit in the corner in the foetal position and weep.

Anyway more excitement and blogs to come in the weeks ahead!

friends

2009-10-24T15:46:00.003+10:00

Today the sun is shining so brightly that you cant help but be pulled outdoors and we set off fairly early in search of a media player to end the dvd assult that Justus has been conducting!
WOW sight and sound have external hard drives and media centres on special for around $300 As far as we are concerned it is money well spent so we brought ourselves ANOTHER early christmas present! Then we just went for a drive and I took photos like I usually do!

This last week has been really hard for me. I have felt like CRAP. So dizzy and sleep deprived and Doctors tests are so far all normal. It is frustrating and exhausting but I know that we will get through this time - anyway I felt like doing something nice for someone else so off to the florist to buy a dozen roses for a beautiful friend who gives soooooo much of herself into the lives of other people.

We arrived at their home unannounced with the intention of quickly dropping the bouquet off. However her husband would not hear of it and we stayed for a while to talk. It is always so amazing to me to be in the company of people that have raised 5 amazing Jesus loving children and done it well and stayed strong as a family and in love as a couple. But by the time we left I was very tired.

I am still dizzy but I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Love

Tash

Like everyone else

2009-10-20T14:01:00.002+10:00

I am so sorry everyone!! I swore that I would not neglect my blogging once baby number 5 arrived but alas I have. To be honest with you my computer time is thankfully much less than it was during those horrible bedrest days! I am loving the feeling of having Lincoln at home - surrounded by his brothers and sister and us of course!!

So how is life with 5 children? Well it is a LOT more difficult than I was anticipating. I thought that there would be some adjusting to do but that would indeed be the understatement of the year. I suppose it is easy to think that things will be okay but the practical application of my internal musings have been much more difficult to execute than I expected.

We had our swine flu shots a couple of weeks ago now so we are back to normal but the kids still have not had theirs and with Lincoln a week away from the standard immunisations the kids are still enjoying their limited play options of home or.............home!

Piles of washing that reach to the heavens were my lot in the early days. I seem to have that part of things under control now. Folding of clothes is generally okay. Although I did have an unexpectedly easy time of things yesterday when mum folded the washing. Ironing - umm - I am unfortunately just doing it as we need things. I know that is slack but that is the way that things are at this point.

General housework seems to be suffering. I have not vacumed the floor in about 4 days which is very very unlike me! The dusting is only getting done weekly and I am really slacking on night time meals. Wouldn't it be lovely to have someone to cook for you for the first 2 months after a baby is born into your home! My mum was so great in that regard but as she left 3 weeks ago I have been struggling on since then. One night the kids had baked beans and two other nights they have had pizza but we haven't had any take away food so I guess that is something!

Shopping is okay. I do my groceries online and should we run out of anything Stephen is only to happy to escape the madness and go forth to forage for whatever is required. Clothes shopping is also Steve's department and he does a great job with all of those things. Ebay and a number of the online boutiques are my friend when it comes to shopping for things that I want for me. I find that the online shopping makes my life a lot easier.

My boys HATE going shopping unless it is for them and I cannot imagine being able to take the 5 kids out on my own any time soon. The main reason that the image of that make me want to curl up under my bed is because I have no doubt that Justus would run an absolute muck! When Darian was a baby I took the three kids to Sunshine Plaza on my own. I thought that I was doing so well. My thoughts went to the many stories I had heard of other mums troubles and I can remember thinking that I had such good kids - till it was time to feed Darian. We were in the parents room when Aramis decided to run away and there I was chasing Aramis up the corridor running past horrified fellow shoppers with a baby under one arm, Keturah running along behind and my left breast flapping in the breeze! I swore that day that NEVER AGAIN would I take the kids shopping on my own and 6 years later I have stayed true to my word!!

So all in all life with five kids is very busy and it is certainly messy. It has challenged everyone in our family. The kids have opened their hearts to another sibling and they have struggled to deal with loosing their Nanny who was with us for a whole year until 3 weeks ago. We have all had to deal with limited time together but the one thing that the kids are doing is speaking up when they need something or if they are in need of help or attention. Justus has found the whole process a challenge. For the first week or so after Lincoln came home Justus would go and stand at the front door and say " we - go - see - our bub?" But it seems to have dawned that he is home now.

Justus is very gentle to his bub and has not tried to hurt him in any way! If Lincoln cries Justus will go running to him and stand there saying "oh bub" in a sweet little voice until I arrive. So besides blaming Lincoln for scratching Turahs DVD, there has been no incidents on the Justus front.

We continue to homeschool the 3 older kids. Keturah is doing very well and so is Aramis! Darian hates what he is doing because he is bored!! Little mr. prep boy really needs year one work.

Anyway I have to go and get ready for a Doctors appointment. So until next time thanks for reading!

Love

Tash

number 5 - wow people sure do treat you differently!!

2009-09-23T10:34:00.002+10:00

So baby number 5 and I have seen a lot of changes! It is very very different in terms of the way that others respond to the birth. When Keturah was born I had 32 visitors the first day hehe. Thankfully we had a fairly strong inkling that this would be the case after how things were with Justus so nothing was a suprise but there are times when I feel hurt - Each child that you have is precious and there is just a natural desire in mum's and dad's for their children to be important to the people that are important to them.

I am very thankful to the people that have made the time to come and see Lincoln and I am very thankful to those that have called and texted and kept in touch via email and facebook! So to all of you, Thank you very much! I am sorrry that I have been slow in getting my thank you cards out but they are coming I promise!!

baby baby - the rest of the story.

2009-09-23T09:36:00.003+10:00

Sorry that it has been so long since I last posted anything! I am very very tired lately and the recovery process has not been 100% straight forward.

When I last posted I said that Lincoln required cpap(continuous positive airway pressure) in the hours soon after his birth. This was a stressful time as there was talk of sending him to Brisbane to The Royal. In some ways this would have been a comforting move for me but in others the horror of doing that again and being seperated from the kids and Steve would have been far more than I could have coped with.

I am going to be really really honest here and say that the day that Lincoln was born was EXTREMELY stressful for me. My family, as in Steve, Kids and I are absolutely fine but other relationships have suffered since last year and I am sure that anxiety and stress was a contributing factor in Lincolns early arrival. ( Just like it was with Justus)

I found myself very much at a disadvantage in terms of not being able to fall back on the same support system that I had always known. Two days after Lincoln was born I felt the grey haze of depression trying to settle on me. My milk was not coming in as it did with the other 4 children, I was exhausted from worry and lack of sleep and wanted very much to run away from the hosptial. I found it difficult to want to be there with a baby that I felt like I didn't know, when there were 4 children at home all suffering in their own ways in my absence.

That night a lovely midwife named Stephanie was on in the Special Care Nursery. She expressed me while Steve rubbed my back and neck and I cried. Steve took me back to my room and slept on a mattress on the floor so that I was not alone.

Mary, a lovely midwife finally answered my call buzzer after 12 hours of waiting. It was great to talk to someone that believed that by the time you have had 5 children you know your own body enough to know if you need a perscription to help bring your milk in! Mary organised everything with the on call doctor and I was soon started on on tablets to help my milk supply.

He is here part 1

2009-09-09T23:53:00.001+10:00

I am sure that most of you that read this blog already know that our little boy arrived one week ago. I am doing very well. Totally exhausted and having not a lot of fun trying to get my milk supply up but I have to say that I really am doing alright considering all that has taken place.

So what actually happened? Well. On Tuesday I went in to see Dr. G as you know and was told that all was fine and to just keep doing what I was doing and relax etc. So I went home with a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not wanting to believe that anything untoward was going to take place but fairly sure in the knowledge that something was afoot.

Wednesday morning was absolutely vile! We called the hospital because I was fairly sure that something was the matter with my waters. Things did not feel good and I was just becoming extremely unsettled. Then the contractions hit and hit hard! By 3:00 I was at the hospital and by 3:30 they had given me drugs for Lincolns lungs and also to try and stop labour. I went to the toilet soon after and had a whopper of a contraction while sitting on the toilet and found myself leaking water long after I had finished. So at that point it was time to go to theatre. By 5:15 pm Dr. G and Dr. College were commencing the ceaser and by 5:56 pm our precious little man was born.

I was so fortunate to have an awesome team in the operating room. Steve the epidural guy was so kind and caring and explained everything so well. Doris was my midwife and was with me on the way to theatre and stayed with me for the op and was there with me the whole time in recovery. She is such a great person and made me feel relaxed. Dr. George Bogiatzis was wonderful. He was not too proud to call in a general surgeon to help him put me back together as my prior surgeries made it all far less than just your ordinary garden variety ceaser. He was reassuring and kind and I am very glad that he was my doctor.

The most important person in that room with me besides God was of course Stephen. I have no idea how to say just what a great man he is and how his calm attitude and deep faith puts me at ease. Steve sat near my head and coped ever so well. When Lincoln came out he let out a very hearty cry and was then whisked off by Dr. Julian Paxton to be assessed. He did very well without much intervention but we thought that he would require help because he was born at 32 weeks so we were not suprised when he required CPAP in the hours soon after birth.

He is here part 1

2009-09-09T23:53:00.000+10:00

waters - leaking not leaking and other pregnancy nasties!

2009-09-01T21:45:00.002+10:00

Piles, why oh why does my bottom now have to rebel on me too lol ~ is it not enough that my belly is massive, my breasts leak, my hands and feet are swollen, my hair is disturbingly thin, face is puffy and now - enter the blood vessels protruding from the bottom, to top it all off and make it EXCELLENT!

What I think is most disturbing is that the gentle pressure with a warm face washer ( warm or cool doesn't matter it still isnt a nice thing to have to do!!! ) is NOT WORKING!! I hope that i get to sleep tonight!

Today I found myself in the rooms of good ole Dr. G to be tested for leaky membranes. No leaks at this point so that is a good thing. well at least I think it is a good thing because a few more week on the inside is certainly what is best for this little treasure!

I am having a good ol'e whine in this blog aren't I - please dont think that I am not thrilled to have come this far but I really had forgotten what it was like to be this pregnant! after all I havent been this pregnant for 6 years! It is hard and I am really tired! So on the strength of that I am going to go and try to get some sleep!

32 weeks today!

2009-08-31T15:17:00.003+10:00

I am not sure if I have ever mentioned that my official due date is the 27th of October! that means that tomorrow I am 32 weeks pregnant! The significance of that is absolutely huge for our family! What it means is that if this baby decides to come we do not have to be moved to a tertiary hospital in Brisbane! So as of tomorrow this baby will be born in our home town, in the hospital where two of his brothers were born!

I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am to God and to my family for everything that they have done to make sure that this pregnancy has gone as long as it has! Another 15 days would be so awesome. Then again how strange would it be if I went to 36 or 37 weeks!

barefoot and pregnant

2009-08-29T14:34:00.002+10:00

I am the original barefoot pregnant lady. I don't wear shoes very often and I seldom wear a bra these days either LOL. Sorry about the too much info but there it is! between the pressure of this huge growing belly, and my lapband and the constant reflux that seems to be my best friend I decided to ditch the bra. Will I ever feel normal again??!!

I was looking at my sadly uncoloured toenails today, lamenting the fact that I am unable to reach them to paint them. My hair has not been blow dryed for months and I am makeupless so much of the time that it truly is horrifying! But on the plus side ( something that is the plus side besides myself that is ;p) The horrible brown line that I usually get on my tummy and the other brown spot have not developed yet!

Today I have decided to spoil myself online. I am going to buy the things that I need for hosptial and a few other things too. I need to get that out of the way. Just for my own peace of mind more than anything really.

Today was Dar's birthday and it was a big day. I move so slowly now and I feel like I am in the way much of the time but thats okay. This too will pass.

fat

2009-08-27T21:17:00.000+10:00

I'm a big fat pregnant whale - thank you and good night!

sore sore sore

2009-08-26T11:46:00.002+10:00

I am so extremely tired today. This lovely baby of ours has decided to be feet down and obviously his head is pressing on my diaphram. I need room to breathe. So we are 31 weeks pregnant and after next week we will be able to relax a lot because once we hit that 32 week mark this bubby will be born on the coast!

the next appointment with Dr. G is on the 9th of September! And that is the 33 week appointment!

HOT!

2009-08-24T20:26:00.002+10:00

Alright this is just not normal - how hot was it today! It is August for crying out loud and I felt like I was going to melt! So there I was with the kids in the back yard in little more than a sheer cotton shirt. It was lovely to watch them playing on the makeshift waterslide that Steve made for them and Justus had such lovely cool little hands when he would come up to me for cuddles!

I saw Dr. G this morning and he was very pleased with me. As he rightly pointed out, every single day that we get is a wonderful bonus! I am now 31 weeks and by the time next monday rolls around we will be having this bubby here on the coast!

By the way the pic on my profile was taken this afternoon while trying to cool off.

Things are getting there!

2009-08-22T22:56:00.004+10:00

I am so thrilled tonight to be able to say that YAY we are getting there. The bedrooms are actually all done! And look okay. We have to get a change table for bubby because silly me got rid of everything else thinking that we were definately not having any more bubbies. There are a few things that we need but I am struggling to get myself motivated to actually get them. I am sure it will be okay.

Our house!

2009-08-22T22:56:00.001+10:00

Mess Unglorious Mess!

2009-08-21T14:15:00.002+10:00

I feel like i am drowning in a never - ending pit of messy house. Oh How I HATE not being able to do all that I would normally do. I dont know about anyone else, but when I am stressed I love to clean. Hmmmm I probably should say that I am driven to clean and at the moment I just can't do it! This is making me very very frustrated.

The moving stuff into the house part is over but the mess on Lordy the mess is just an unending thing from room to room. All i want is some kind of order in the house. I have that really really strong urge to make the house right and to ensure that things are clean and tidy. This always seems to strike me a couple of weeks before the baby comes and I just need to get the house clean but it isn't happening for me this time.

I knew that I was tired when I answered the door in my night gown yesterday morning and horrified the delivery man as I stood there in all of my braless, masked and nightied glory LOL. I am a little bit suprised at the level to which I have obviously stooped during this pregnancy. But that is life. I don't even know where my make up is at the moment and my hair curler ummm yeah it must be with the make up.

I should make an effort to be glam and to suprise Stephen but it is his fault after all that I am the proud owner of a belly of whaleish propotions so he gets no effort from me today hehehehehe. I am not trying to be mean but I have always been a good girl when it comes to making sure I looked nice when he came home from work and making an effort with my appearance but right now I just don't care. Do you think it could be something that comes on us when we are pregnant so that we are a little less mortified by Doctors and nurses viewing "down there" on a regular basis?

So what do I need to take to hosptial? I havent bothered to pack a bag yet. Mostly because I have no bag to pack. My suitcase is too big and the overnight bag is too small so I will need to get myself something that is a bit more suitable. I was thinking 3 nighties, some disposable panties, 3 nursing bras, pads of course, mascara, lipgloss, tooth brush and paste, brush, deoderant and then the baby things. Have I forgotten anything that is of earth shattering importance?

I had hoped to get a better camera for the arrival of this little one and that may still happen but I need some advice. Does anyone know anything about cameras?

stunned and crying

2009-08-19T23:15:00.002+10:00

Today two of the most beautiful people - who I have known and loved for 26 years have been killed in a car accident. I cannot express my thoughts in an articulate manner at the moment.

Kari was first my singing teacher. From the time that I was 8 years old until i was well into my teens with the exception of the 2 years that they were in Canada. She was also my Ballet teacher and I was a dancer in the Sonshine Kids. I loved Kari so very dearly. Allan was my school principal then my teacher and then my school chaplain and then my friend. They both wore a lot of hats in my life. They saw my achieve and excel and were always generous with their time.

In recent years - it was A.T. who married us, They came and saw keturah when she was born, he and Steve stayed in touch through the years and over the past couple of years he was there for us. When my dad left and the phone stopped ringing and no one really seemed to want to hear about what I was thinking or feeling A.T. did! I cannot explain my sorrow at what has transpired today.

Life is so precious, go hug the people that you love and make sure they know how important they are to you. Dont let the moments slip past. Embrace all of life and live it. Petty grudges, and little or large hurts aren't worth giving up your tomorrows for. I have given up enough of tomorrows that have already passed because I was angry, frustrated, hurt, proud and a whole host of other emotions. It wasn't worth it and it didn't add a moment to my happiness.

Early Mornings

2009-08-19T06:30:00.003+10:00

This morning I have rolled out of bed feeling a whole lot better than I have for a while! Yesterday my Gp started me on Zantac for the awful indigestion that I have been having because he suspected that it was making my tendency to suffer from some asthema symptoms worse. He was right!!! And for the first time in a month I feel like I can breathe properly! oh it is the best feeling. I am so thankful that I have a great Gp!!

Yesterday was a huge day for us here at the Jarrett household. We did so many things and the downstairs part of the house is starting to take shape! okay it does not have floor coverings in the living space but i can deal with that - well at least I tell myself I can but actually I am starting to have hope that things will actually be tidy before the baby arrives.

Anyway I have finally decided to be brave and let you see the pictures of my belly! here they are people - please dont mind the scars - they are from my lapband and the stretch marks well they are just a fact of life from pregnancy number 1.

I wish I was sleepy

2009-08-16T23:34:00.002+10:00

I am one of those uncomfortably pregnant ladies right now! It is half past 11 at night and I just can't get comfortable. My belly has gone from a reasonable size a couple of weeks back to HELLO! all in a matter of 2 weeks. I have this yucky UTI at the moment and it really makes me feel miserable.

Last night, after a day of spiking temps and general feeling of unwellness I called the after hours doctor. He arrived at 1 am! After checking me out he determined that I probably needed stronger antibiotics than the ones that I was on and perscribed them to me, telling me to double up on the ones that I had until I got the new perscription filled.

I did that and I am actually starting to feel a little better which is such a nice change! I have been so sore for nearly two weeks now! It is really unpleasent to feel so uncomfortable.

This baby in my belly does not appreciate any sleeping position except me lying on my right hand side. I cannot sleep any other way without persistant kicking until I assume the position! It is all very exhausting and everything and I would like to just be able to lie however I want to. You know that you have been pregnant for a long time when you crave being able to lie on your belly again! I truly am a belly sleeper and I miss those lovely nights snuggled up to Steve's arm and my pillow.

Anyway - On to other matters - The house is starting to look more and more like home. I am really not used to a house like the one that we are currently living in. We have had our own homes for a long while now so renting is a huge shock to the system, as is trying to fit everything in!

Tonight the new wall unit that we got was put into position downstairs! So one of the kids TV's has been set up in it and all of their DVD's have been moved downstairs. One of the other TV's along with one of my favourite pieces of furniture has found its way into the boy's chill out room with their Wii and they have all of their toys in there too. The kids school room has been set up and it is looking really good! Their new office chairs should be here tomorrow.

I am trying not to think about the massive pile of boxes and are still unpacked and the two rooms that are still far from complete. To say nothing of Steve's office or Keturah's chill out room. I have to try and not think about it all or it will make me feel really anxious. I have always dreamed of that idealic nursery for the baby and having a house that was just divine to come home to but I am now resigned to the fact that I will not have those things lol.

Starting next week, (once we have the new door on our old Fridge, the most expensive ride our 5 year old ever took - don't let your kids ride on the fridge door!) I am going to start making extra meals for when I'm in hosptial and for when I come home. I cant cope with the thought of having to cook for the first few weeks after the baby comes and I know that I need to make sure that all of that is sorted out! So I will stockpile lasagne, some pasta dishes, casseroles and some baking for those demanding first days. Lets face it, when you are adjusting to being a family of 7 you need to give yourself as many chances for it to be easy as you can find. My mum will be with us but she will have her hands well and truly full just coping with the kids.

So the plan for the week ahead is to somehow manage to get the rest of downstairs functioning as a workable house. If that much can somehow be done then I will feel very content. And even if it can't I know that I will cope! At this point in my life I am thankful for very small things. The music space and craft area will make life more fun for the kids and will make my life easier so getting them working is important to me. It will be nice when we can just relax with nothing else to do!

25 things to take with you to hospital hehehe

2009-08-14T12:55:00.003+10:00

Okay today I have seen one of those emails that come through from one of the plethora of baby websites to which I am subscribed and it gives a list of 25 things to take with you to hospital. I can remember when I was an avid subscriber to all of those things. In days gone by I would have already had EVERYTHING packed for hospital. I feel remotely disorganised but in actual fact who really ever gets to use all of those things that you pack? I know for a fact that Steve and I never once ate the essential snacks, used the massage oil, and I most certainly never had need of socks in labour. I wish someone had told me to set up the video camera in the room and just let it roll. If you really want to document the whole process that really has to be the best way.

I am starting to think that my daggy nighties aren't going to make the cut for hospital and my sad and lonely ONE nursing bra really needs me to purchase a few friends for it. But that would require me to leave the house and I don't want to. Oh yeah I could buy them online but my breasts seem to have a mind of their own of late and can vary so much size wise that I am worried I would have size issues if I brought without trying first.

At least I feel a bit more human today. Yesterday I felt really gross and thought that I was going to end up having to call the doctor again but thankfully that did not eventuate and all that I had to do was sleep for a few hours and I felt very much better!

This morning Darians prep supplies have arrived. It is very exciting for him and for us!! I am loving the Brisbane School of Distance Education. They are just awesome teachers and fantastic people in general!

The only real downer for today was remembering an uncharitable referece that Stephen made to my rear end last night. Sometimes men can be men lol.

Anyway I had better go - Undoubtely Ill blog again soon!

Migrane

2009-08-14T07:07:00.002+10:00

Yesterday I got a horrible migrane and it has continued all night and into this morning. I feel like kar kar and I want to go back to bed !!! UGHH!!

Dr G. FAILS

2009-08-13T13:27:00.004+10:00

Today I am a seriously displeased Tasha! Where do doctors get off charging such huge amounts without providing results. I was put in hosptial on Tuesday night and discharged Wednesday morning being told that everything was fine. Well I did not feel fine and my lovely GP. Dr. Gillis stayed back after hours to see me! So much for the wee test that they did at the hospital in the half light of the room! my Gp discovered a raging Urinary Tract infection!!! Left untreated they can cause pre-term labour! I called Dr. G's rooms today to get the results of the tests done at the hospital and they were still not there!!!! what is this? The dark ages?? I now have the sense that I am being treated like the panicking woman that they just want to appease. But seriously I can pay myself $ 200 (the amount of excess i will pay for that one night in hospital) and not take myself seriously! I really dont need the attention that badly that I would pretend to not be well... so there you go angry tasha rant is now over! Dr G you get the bad doctor award today!

24/08 @ 11.00 with Dr. G 31 wks
09/09 @ 11:45 with Dr. G 33 wks
23/09 @ 9:30 with Irene 35 wks
07/10 @ 9:30 with Dr. G 37 wks
14/10 @ 10:15 with Dr. G 38 wks
21/10 @ 9:45 with Dr. G 39 wks
28/10 @ 10:30 with Dr. G 40 wks

hospital

2009-08-12T14:44:00.003+10:00

Yesterday unfolded in a rather suprising way. Last night I felt absolutely dreadful and ended up calling the hosptial. They strongly urged me to come in so I did and ended up spending the night. I had an ultrasound this morning and our lovely little man is measuring 30 weeks 5 days. Not what he is but that is okay by me - there are worse things than being big for your age.

I am not really sure why I had to stay in the hospital overnight. I suppose to monitor me and make sure that I didn't go into labour. I have had this lingering niggly cough for weeks and I am totally fed up with it! So I have booked in to see my gp this afternoon and hopefully he will give me something that may get rid of it.

We are still expecting to have another 5 weeks of pregnancy.

Distressed in my mess!

2009-08-11T15:37:00.002+10:00

I woke this morning with this sense of impending dread. My eyes were reluctant to open and as I forced myself awake I knew full well that beyond the sublime serenity of our bedroom loomed the aweful mess that is our house. Oh how i LOATHE unpacking! It is surely the worlds worst job. But perhaps it has been made worse this time by the fact that every single thing that we own is now under one roof and I am forced to come to terms with the good, bad and ugly from the past!

My beautiful daughter Keturah loves things. She keeps everything from lollie warppers right through to every single stuffed toy that she has ever owned. This is not a problem when you have a storage shed and are not faced with the enormity of the "collecting" issues! Probably at least a third of all boxes have been hers and the vast majority of everything else has been toys. I feel like I am drowing in a sea of faux fur!

But today has been rewarding in that one of the kids play spaces is taking shape. I have had contact with 2 of the kids teachers and managed to make a lunch that everyone ate without complaining. Small victories I know, but victories non the less.

Tomorrow I have an ultrasound at 8:30 am and then an appointment with Dr. G at 9:15. I am very excited to know how much the baby has grown. My belly was measuring 39 weeks pregnant last wednesday and as I am only now 29 weeks pregnant we must consider that this child is going to be large for his gestation and the reasons why that may be the case. I have no gestational diabeties so perhaps I just grow em big. Anyway I am curious to know what the good Doc will make of the ultrasound and I am curious to know the length of my cervix which was 6 cm long last time. I am guessing we will be around 4 cm but I may be wrong.

I will be really glad to get through this week and round next week. Monday heralds the 30 weeks pregnant mark! That will be a very exciting point for me. 2 more weeks pregnant than I was when Justus arrived. The next milestone will be Darian's 6th birthday on the 30th of this month!! Steve starts back at Uni and then the following week will be my 33 week appointment with Dr G! so there are lots of things to keep me occupied in the mean time.

I am going to put some pictures up on here really soon I promise. It just means I have to get over my huge bellyness lol!

Photos! and Hand impressions

2009-08-10T12:05:00.002+10:00

Yesterday and today we started the exciting task of booking hand impressions for the kids and the new little one once he is here. I have used www.forgetmenotimpressions.com.au 3 times now. Anita Moy owns this business and she has been really awesome to deal with. This time we are having Stephen and my hands included in the frame because this is our last baby and also we are having a photo put in of our family as we will be when bubby is born. It is a lovely momento of the children through time.

We are also hoping to have www.mirandagreer.com.au do a photo sitting with us soon after bubby comes. Miranda was one of my closest childhood friends and I greatly admire her photographic skills. She covered my brothers wedding last year and has taken pictures of a number of gorgeous pregnant mumma's and their babies after they are born. I am hopeful that it will be one of these pictures that will be included in our hand impression frame!

I have also realised that I need to call the hospital and take in the authorisation form for an epidural. It is really starting to hit home that hey we have gone further in this pregnancy than what Justus and I did! I feel so thankful for that! At the start of this pregnancy I honestly didn't expect to get this far but as we have gone I realised that I have just as much right to a great outcome as any other woman. I have had family members going through fertility issues and different things while I have been pregnant this time and sometimes their attitudes come through.

Anyway I am just determined to enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy...after all this will never happen again.

I am a WHALE

2009-08-09T16:28:00.002+10:00

Any minute now greenpeace are going to come looking for me I swear it!! tonight I am going to bite the bullet and let Stephen take some pictures of my great big belly! I am glad that I am so healthy at this stage in pregnancy because I didn't get this far with Justus. My life was just far too stressful back then.

I think back two years and I am so happy with how much things have changed. I used to spend so much time rushing here and rushing there for people who for the most part that I now never ever see and who don't care about my family in any way. ( there are exceptions to that statement ) I dont resent what I did, because at the time I was happy to do it but I sure am glad that I have seen the light and had a priority adjustment!!

I often wonder what things would have been like with Justus if I had just stayed home and not gone anywhere and done what I have done this pregnancy. Anyway I know that we will never know but I am now more pregnant than I ever was with Justus!! How exciting!

I am starting to feel every single one of the 29 weeks that I am. I have a little bit of heartburn when I eat but nothing too terrible. I get short of breath if I am up and down the stairs too much. I now am the proud owner of brown nipples ( okay I know that is too much info but it still damages me that they change colour SO drastically ) and they leak from time to time. I have been sleeping better the last week or so which is nice! I have a little bit of edema (swelling) in my feet, ankles and fingers but still not enough to affect me wearing my rings

Moving

2009-08-08T23:25:00.003+10:00

Well the last few days have been the usual mix of lovely/stressful that we seem to be accustomed to at our house. Our particular blend of craziness is quite comforting to me but I am finding the whole moving thing to be quite stressful. It is very nice to have all of our belongings in one place. Some things I have laid eyes on for the first time in two years BUT I am questioning my sanity on a few levels.

Why does one family need so many dinner sets? Okay, place settings for 10-12 people in our family is probably a good idea but 40! umm yeah I have no idea what I was thinking. And glasses. I dont know if this happens in your family but in mine things have a nasty habit of vanishing. I have no idea what happens to the glasses, socks, and teaspoons but I know that I obviously have no intention of becoming glassless any time soon! A whole box, so like 50 glasses!! Not including the 20 or so that we are already using.

Then there is all of the old china. I am so not one of these chic, modern, minimal people. There is a part of me that would love to be that but in my heart of hearts it is just not me. I have a collection of the Lavender Lady - Plates, Tea Pot, sugar bowl, cups, saucers etc etc and I love it, along with my crazy teaset ( all unmatching but oddly harmonious peices of china) to say nothing of the other royal this and that's that I have. These things (4 boxes full) will not see the light of day while we are living in a rented house. The Kitchen storage is sadly lacking in any case and I have no itention of purchasing another display cabinet however tempted I may be and believe me the temptation was strong today!

I am enjoying creating different spaces in this house. The somewhat ugly downstairs is slowly going through a transformation. Stephen's office urgently requires some organisation and he actually asked me to help him with it today! So perhaps tomorrow we may look in there. The kids learning centre is set up with the exception of office chairs which we will purchase tomorrow. The kids then have chill out zones and a play area and a music space. None of which are complete but that is the intention for them. I am feeling slightly overwhelmed at the sheer volume of boxes that still remain after we have unpacked them.

In our defense, after keturah was born it took us 5.5 years to have another baby and during those years Keturah was every bit the indulged only child ( she is now the only princess hehehee) She has every soft toy she has ever been given and a good portion of mine ( today I found Tessie Bear!! My bed time friend from when I was two years old!!) and there are boxes and boxes of her clothes that she wants to keep. I did managed to convince her to get rid of some manky stuff that just needed to be binned but I have a feeling that most of it will live under the staircase!

The upside of the moving is that I have found a very large supply of baby clothes. I have kept all of the kids baby clothes and they have never worn each other's clothes. Where I got my attitudes about pre-loved items I am not quite sure but as I was unpacking box after box full of items with tags still on them I made the decision to buy no more things for this precious little person. Of course all gifts will be gladly accepted lol but when you have had 4 children you learn that people are far less curious about what your child will look like than they were with the first! Thus the need to come look and bring gifts is lessened. I think that I counted 30 suits in size 0000 alone! But the upside of all of this is that we are covered from 00000 right through to 000 and some 00's too.

I know this is turning into an epic but I am not sorry hehehee. I also found my cloth nappies and I think that I may actually give them a go again this time. Not when we are going out but for at home. I also found the long missing bucket/receptical from the Tommey Tippey nappy wrapper that I had with Justus. For some odd reason stephen decided to use it as a wash off bucket when he grouted some tiles recently!!!!!! I was seriously displeased but quickly saw the funny side of it when he looked so genuinely shocked at his mistake.

It is going to take a good week or two until everything is properly sorted out but it will be such a big relief when it is!!

oh what a day

2009-08-06T10:18:00.002+10:00

Sometimes I think that bed would be an excellent place to stay all the time lol!! Today is one of those days! Steve was supposed to be paid for the last two pay periods he has worked today and hey what do you know - no money went in. Hopefully the company he is working for will make good on their promise to pay on Monday or I will be seriously unhappy.

Sometimes the dramas of day to day things seem really really stupid. My sweet man was so worried when he was talking to me. I knew he was wondering what my reaction to the pay situation was going to be. He is working so hard and it would be nice if he was just paid for what he has done. Anyway His boss has reassurred him again that they are implimenting a new payment system ( hopefully one that involves paying!) and that they are also going to be on contract rates for the work that they do. This is excellent news for Stephen because he is by far most experienced, fastest and neatest tiler on the crew that he works on. What was taking other guys 8 days to do Steve was doing in 6. So should everything happen as his boss said then things will be even better for us. YAY.

Today I finally summoned up the courage to look downstairs. My sister and brother in law have recently moved out and true to form have left the place so untidy and in need of cleaning that I just wnated to cry when I saw it all. I will have to find the motivation to get down there and get cracking on cleaning it. Because once it is done the kids are going to have a much nicer, easier time of things!

Pregnancy wise I am feeling good. A little weary as we have had a few unsettled nights with Justus but nothing else new to report. Yesterday afternoon I did see the Doctor and he measured my belly which is now measuring 39 weeks..... up from 35 last week. By the time Keturah was born I was measuring 54 weeks pregnant so I guess there is nothing much to worry about except the fact that I feel like a whale!!!

Anyway I better go and see what my lovely children are up to.

Love

Tash

So Thankful

2009-08-05T09:15:00.002+10:00

This morning I have been reading Psalm 92. I am regularly inspired by the life words of my Bible but never more so than today. I pray that thankfulness is not an area in which I lack. I am thankful for the beauty of today's sunrise, the mist over the valleys as I look out of the dining room window. For the beautiful little children that climbed into bed with me and kissed me Good morning, for the awesome husband that cuddled me to sleep last night and most of all to the Creator of it all. . . . . There will never ever be enough words penned to sufficently thank you!

breast fascination

2009-08-04T20:14:00.002+10:00

my beautiful little two year old is trying to adjust to the many changes in his life and is doing a lovely job. A mummy with a bigger belly and all sorts of strange things in the house that are for "the baby" which up until now has been him! Justus was too premmie to have breastfeeds right away and didnt actually feed from me until he was 10 weeks old! I expressed very 3 hours for those 10 weeks and had a great stockpile of stored EBM (expressed breast milk) by the end of it. When Justus was around 10 months old breast feeding became too much for me. I was not coping and he went to the bottle so his latest behaviour has come as quite a suprise. He will often come over to me and want to see my breasts and he smells them and says mmm yum. That is the extent of it so far but I think it is very cute!

I tandem fed my older boys. Aramis was 16 months when Darian was born and always enjoyed his morning and night time Boo so it just continued throughout the pregnancy. I have vivid memories of one early morning feed when I was about 21 weeks pregnant with Dar when Aramis looked up from my breast just after latching on and said " yucky boo, my squishy boo, not yucky boo " I can only assume that I had started to make colostrum again at that point and the taste had changed. I told him he didn't have to have Boo if it was too yucky and he said " no my Boo " and persisted. I actually went on to tandem feed the boys and it was lovely. I have absolutely no regrets about those months at all.

I am starting to think about how it will be when this little one is born. How will I feel about breast feeding him. How strange it will be to breast feed again! I know that it will be fine but even with past experience it is still a new situation and a new relationship to form. I know that I am concerned about how Justus will take to it all. I love that little boy so dearly and don't want him to feel pushed out or upset in any way. Of course I feel like that for the bigger boys and for Keturah too!

We are now 28 weeks pregnant! And it is a wonderful feeling to know that I am moving along well in this pregnancy. The third trimester is here and we are anticipating that we have at least another 5 or 6 weeks to go!

A long day

2009-08-04T18:26:00.002+10:00

I am majorly tired today. Aramis is complaining of a sore throat which is never nice. I think that it is all of the dust in the house and the dust will only be worse tomorrow because a lot of things are being moved from here tomorrow. Saturday is the day that all of our things will finally be here. I can't wait! I just want everything to be in one place so that we can actually get ourselves organised!

On happy matters - Keturah made lamingtons this afternoon and they were absolutely perfect! I am very impressed! Scones the other night, amazing chocolate chip cookies and then today's triumphant effort! I dont think it is fair that she will learn all of these awesome cooking skills and then grow up and leave! What will I do then!

kick baby kick

2009-08-04T06:02:00.004+10:00

The sun is just poking its head up over the horizon painting the sky a beautiful shade of pale pink and and I have been awake for an hour now. I hardly saw Steve yesterday and woke up when he did this morning so that I could see him before he went to work.

Sitting on the lounge together it is already obvious the bond that he enjoys with this little bubby in my belly. As soon as bubby hears Stephen's voice he will kick without fail. If we spoke quietly the kicking would stop but if we spoke at a volume he would be able to hear he would kick really hard, as if to say, " Daddy I hear you " Those are the moments that will live on in my memory all of my life.

Tantrums - 2 year old kind and mummy kind!

2009-08-02T21:06:00.002+10:00

Well I can see that mr Justus and I are going to have a serious disagreement over the sleeping arrangements at our house in the very near future. Justus thinks that he should be in our bed and I am not buying into it AT ALL. Perhaps when I wasn't 7 months pregnant but I am 7 months pregnant and I get in my own way without the restless little legs of a two year old kicking me all night long. Sooooo the long and the short of it is I am lying in bed looking at justus who is standing in his cot asking to come into his bed crying and looking very very sweet.

All of this would have been avoided if we had enough bedrooms for each child but the fact is that we don't. We have only 4 bedrooms upstairs and none of the kids want to sleep downstairs on their own so it means sharing. Room breakdown as it currently stands is Keturah in her room. Darian in a room of his own. Aramis and Justus sharing (aramis's idea) and baby when he comes will be in our room with us. However, the reality is that Aramis and Justus and a lot of the time Darian all sleep in our room on mattresses that we keep under the bed for these 'emergency' situations. The day will come when they wont want to sleep in our room anymore but in the meantime I guess we are going to have nights like this. Ho Hum

Pregnant Brain

2009-08-02T17:50:00.002+10:00

okay today I have officially entered into the territory of overly sensitive pregnant woman. Stephen recently had contact with a woman that he knew when he was in his mid teens! Her parents ran the mid-week group that his parents hosted at the church they attended. The mum in her family passed away after a battle with cancer and Stephen always wondered what happened to the girl because he never saw her at church again.

I saw the email and was EXTREMELY upset by it. It didn't help that she was a very attractive woman and I have now entered the territory of pregnant whale lady. Some people say that pregnant women have that beautiful glow - with me there is no glow - it is dark circles under the eyes and stereotypical UGLY trackie dacks with T shirts.

There are some days when it really does bother me to be a big house moocher, the kind of person that seldom leaves the house, shops online and has substituted my normal life for an online existance. In my current world I have little use for make up and blow dryed hair but I suppose I do wonder if my current unglamerous state is wise in terms of my love life. But I ask you all, men and women alike, what woman really looks sexy and hot while pregnant. I know that there are a few lucky women with tiny little bumps that just have that gorgeous pregnant look. I used to live next door to one such woman and to this day I wish that I had been able to do that whole earth mother, sexy pregnant lady thing. I just do the beached whale with the sore back.

Anyway seeing this lovely looking woman had corresponded with my husband turned me savage. I am still feeling somewhat fiesty from the whole thing, Do I know it is irrational? Absolutely ~ Do I care that it is irrational? Absolutely NOT!

pregnancy - boo hoo

2009-08-02T07:24:00.002+10:00

Today is a whingey whiney day lol! I am sitting in my GORGEOUS four poster bed, the same bed that Stephen and I have had since we first married! Actually it was Steves bed before we were together. I have very vivid memories of the first day that I saw it. ( no not what you are thinking hehehehe) That first day we had been sitting in the lounge room at his parents house and he asked me if I would go with him to his room because he wanted to talk to me. I was more than a little perplexed because I really didn't want his parents to hate me or think that I was having wild monkey sex with their son lol!! (not that they would have thought that of Steve but I am sure that it crossed their mind about me - I was after all the corrupting influence on their baby boy!) Anyway monkey sex was not on his mind at that moment, well I dont think it was, we sat on the bed and he asked me to marry him!

It is funny how things can have so many memories attached to them. This bed has happy happy memories. The X rated making of 4 gorgeous children, the talking of our dreams and plans for the future and all kinds of other lovely things! I was thinking this morning that it sure did seem a lot easier to roll out of this bed but I think perhaps it was in my imagination. We woke up this morning having been joined at some time through the night by Mr. Justus, and the first thing out of his mouth was " whats this, what is this bed " It was very cute indeed to hear his daddies sleepy tones as he told him about how it was mummy and daddies bed and began to tell him the story behind it until he got bored and said "okay det up now daddy."

I really dont want to get out of bed today. I am so sore and just want to rest a while but I will soon have to venture forth and begin the day's many events. I just hope that the unpacking and sorting passes quickly and things return to normal soon.

Excited!

2009-07-30T15:48:00.002+10:00

Hi everyone! Today I am feeling really excited about the fact that very soon we will be in the happy position of having all of our furniture and boxes at the house that we have been living at for nearly a year! We were going to move but decided that with the birth of bubby not too far away we would stay where we are for now. The house is so not ideal. Chosen by someone with no regard for the safety of little children and on a busy road I absolutely LONG for my acerage lifestyle again. But this place serves a purpose and what it definately lacks in glamour and Tasherishness it makes up for in size.

We are going to do a few bodgy fixes to make things seem a little more like home and will convert the single garage into a bedroom for Keturah - that way all of the kids can stay upstairs and we can keep the 3 bedrooms and big living area downstairs for all of the other things that we need. A parent sanity saver zone will be the first thing that I want to be set up!! The kids can have their dvd's and Wii and all of those things downstairs as well as all of their toys and I can have a nice quiet zone upstairs... well that is the plan anyway.

It is a really happy thought to finally have all of my things again. I know they are only things but I miss their familiarity.

On other news I had excellent news from the Doctor yesterday. Not only am I negative for all kinds of flu, my UTI has gone and my blood tests were the best that they have been for about 18 months! I am so thrilled! I also saw my lovely Gyn and he is very pleased too! We both have the expectation of going for another 5 or 6 weeks! I know that my extensive resting makes it hard on others but it really is worth it. I have never done this in my life before - just taken months off of everything to be selfish and focus on me but I think that the results speak for themselves and I am once again so grateful that Steve made the decision to stop pastoring and just focus on our family. By this time in the pregnancy with Justus I was contracting continually. I was also kidding myself into believing that I wasn't doing too much when in actual fact I was. No regrets about our choices at all just real excitement about the future!

Tired and more Tired

2009-07-29T10:07:00.002+10:00

Oh what a night - and not in a good way! I think that I will probably get to sleep in about 2 years or so! I am starting to feel a little desperate when it comes to the lack of sleep. Last night our 7 year old went to bed in a bit of a mood and unfortunately he was no better when he woke this morning. Add to that my mum, who loves us but really would rather not have to be here and life can feel more than a little unpleasent!

Today is one of those days when I really miss Stephen. He has been extremely tired the last few days but was still gone long before the sun was up and long before everyone was awake. Oh well it is only a few hours until i get to see him.

Anyway I had better go and see what the children are up to.

thanks for reading!

Learning!

2009-07-28T22:27:00.003+10:00

I cant go to sleep tonight without mentioning some of the talks that we have been having in our house of late. Our kids are currently doing Queensland Distance Education (like school of the air was back in the day) So we get to enjoy quite a lot of time together and learn in a variety of really cool ways!

The kids have taken over their dad's catalogue deliveries since he has been working a little bit again. It is very inspirational to watch a 5 and a 7 year old that are willing to work like that every week for a couple of hours! Turah's willingness to help is no suprise. But I have been so proud of their motivation and the sense of achievement that they are gaining as they see their growing bank balances! It is amazing the ways that children learn - since they have been earning money and reading the different catalogues their reading and their maths has improved! Darian can read words and he is only in prep but already doing year 1 work.

Then there is the cooking in the house. Keturah has taken over friday night meals and does a beautiful job. There is no way that anyone could distinguish last Friday night if I had made the meal or if it was Turah and tonight she absolutely outdid herself with a Chocolate berry cake that was exceptionally nice. She said to me " well mummy at least when I am grown and at uni I wont starve!" This friday night she is taking on lasagne, a difficult dish to time correctly and even more difficult when one is cooking it for 7 people!! but I am sure that she will be just fine. She has taken an avid interest in our Coles online shopping and has asked me to purchase different cuts of meat so she can learn what to do with them! Oh how I love my kids! Aramis is the maker of lunch most days and he is the finder of all of the specials for the shopping list.

Then to top it all off tonight they were looking online at games for the Wii and a particular one that they have been waiting for is going to be coming out in October. I told them that more co-operation was going to need to be evident between the 3 older ones before we would be able to purchase that. With that they vanished into their playroom which was an absolute piggy pen! and after about an hour they called me to come in and they had tidied the room so well that it honestly looked as though they had been helped by mum or me or someone!! I thanked them over and over and got a little teary that they would bother to do that for me and also that the obvious look of delight on their faces because I was happy!

oh how i love them!

yicky yucky veins and a lovely day!

2009-07-28T21:50:00.002+10:00

This pregnancy has been full of firsts for me. The first time I have ever had extensive bleeding during pregnancy, the first time I have ever isolated myself from basically everyone and the first time that I have ever experienced the horrors of varicose veins. I had been getting leg cramps for a day or two and and woke on Saturday morning to the lovely suprise of ugly purple veins on my leg - oh the indignity of it all! I guess it is just another ugly to add to the ugly list but it sure was unexpected. I mean the stretch marks that I had in my first pregnancy were so extensive that I have never had any others because it isnt humanly possible to have more on your belly than I have! But i thought that the veiny thing was something that I had missed out on. Annnnyway - I am now the proud wearer of sexy white surgical ted stockings. I look very fetching even if I do say so myself! Don't all be jealous now because I know how much you all want your very own annoying elastic kind of torture instruments!! hehe oh well it is all for a good cause!

Today was a lovely day because Steve stayed home. I wish that he never ever had to go out! I have realized in this pregnancy just how much I love that man of mine. I knew that I loved him but the realisations about what an awesome person he really is have been really hitting home to me! I feel so blessed and so fortunate to have him in my life and I know that he feels the same way about me.

Im sorry if that is too much info or if it is too soppy but after nearly 14 years of marriage ( our anniversary is the 12th of August ) We have seen our fair share of situations and lived a nice chunk of our lives together AND lets be honest for a minute. I mean really really honest. When you have been married for a while and you know what that other person is like it is possible to be discontent and unhappy with certain aspects of your relationship. I am beginning to understand that being married to this man and continuing to have a flourishing, caring, loving relationship is the most challenging thing that I will ever do besides parent 5 beautiful children!

I know that my happiness is not wrapped up in Stephen just like he knows the same thing about me. We have never perscribed to the belief that we are two halves of one whole, we believe that we are two whole people that out of love, friendship, trust and a whole slew of other values, make a daily comittment to one another. But it is that daily comittment thing that has had me thinking a lot lately. What can I do every day to make our world a more lovely place for us to enjoy together.

Please dont think for one second that I am talking about cooking special dinners or planning romantic evenings and all of those nice thigs. Those things are great, important, lovely and I do them but I am talking about the every day things like how I prioritize my time so that we can have time to talk and all other things like that. I guess I have just been feeling really challenged to let the people in my life that I love know exactly how i feel about them. It is so easy to take things for granted, to take people for granted and to believe that they would already know how we feel.

For me, gentleness is something that I struggle with at times. I can be fairly abrupt and thoughtless. It isn't usually intentional but that does not make it less hurtful to the people that are on the recieving end of it. That is what I am working on at the moment. I want to lower the anxiety level and up the gentleness in my life. Anyway I hope that you have been able to follow my ramblings tonight! thanks for reading!!

Oh some good news too - my iron levels are now at 120 which is within the perfect range for a pregnant lady!!! Waahoo how good is that! (a big thank you to everyone that has prayed!) AND I saw my lovely Ob/Gyn yesterday and after all of the usual and not so nice tests ( ugh hate internals ) he told me that obstetrically things are fantastic!

love

Tash

Fridge locks and 2 year old's.

2009-07-26T13:37:00.002+10:00

about that lock, it took Justus 10 minutes to work it out! lol

urinary track infection

2009-07-25T17:04:00.002+10:00

Well suprise suprise I am the proud owner of my very own urinary tract infection. After 2 months of skirting around the issue ( being a drinker of a lot of water can often hide things and cause the good ole' wee stick to come back with a less than accurate result ) I told Stephen that I was really feeling ordinary today and decided to make a visit to the Doctor. I hate going out of the house at the moment let alone going to sit in the doctors office with all of the yuckyness that can live in there! Anyway it was worth it for a couple of reasons. 1. my iron levels are now 120!! how great is that considering they were 88 - 90 not that long ago! and 2. because I now have antibiotics to help my body with this urinary issue! Why I am not one of those women that experiences intense symptoms I will never know but I never have any idea if I have anything going on "down there" or not hehe.

Soooooooo I am currently feeling very pleased that at least my body will have a chance to kick this infection now. Symptoms were, Shortness of breath, a slight temperature, swollen ankles and swollen fingers and based on that the wee stick was done and blood in the wee wee!

Im lookig forward to going to sleep tonight knowing that I will feel that bit better by the time I wake up in the morning!

Well I'll talk to you again soon!!

Moving on - life never stops for us

2009-07-25T12:11:00.002+10:00

Well our two year old's fridge and pantry exploits have been foiled by a trip to lanhams harware!! Oh the joy of knowing that he will no longer get eggs out and stand there looking oh so cute while he fwacks (cracks) them onto a bowl, we wont mention that the bowl is actually on the floor and it is more of a throwing of the eggs towards the bowl lol! Oh there was a time when I was younger when I would not have seen the funny side of it and would have taken his actions as a personal reflection on me and an obvious failure in my parenting skills hehehe. Having moved from self absorbed mummy a good 10 years ago I can now say that while I know he is being naughty it is still hard not to laugh, often it is nearly impossible.

I was hoping that things would be easy on our exploration for a good property to rent. Something with land is the preference. We had found a great place but that particular one was leased to someone else the day that we called to apply :( So I suppose we are back to square one AGAIN!.. I am so tired of all of the dramas. I just want a nice easy life but it doesn't seem as though that is on the cards for us at the moment.

~what a girl wants~

2009-07-23T14:07:00.000+10:00

Has the past ever come crashing into your present? Today I have been confronted with a rather strange concept. Sometimes I really do wonder where people get their ideas from. You know I think I must be strange or something because I really do try very hard to not make sweeping judgments about the lives of others but people seem to find it easy to do that with us.
Last year I was unfortunately in attendance at a gathering where owning a bread maker and being a home schooler where synonymous with one another. I suppose there may be correlations between the two but who really cares? The labels that our society seems so keen to plaster all over everything stink as far as I am concerned!
Recently Steve and I took Justus out for a walk on the beach and as Steve walked and I waddled I caught the eyes of a couple of passersby and was surprised to see the smiles directed our way. This is in stark contrast to the looks that we get if we venture out with our four children and my pregnant belly!! The “oh my gosh don’t they have a television” crew can be spotted a mile away! And to those people I say until you have experienced the warmth and challenges of being parents to amazing children you haven’t really lived so keep your looks, comments and judgments to yourselves.
As I stand on the verge of this new challenge, mummy of 5, I feel compelled to take stock of my life. The hopes and dreams that I hide in my heart. The things that fuel my inner drive. It is so easy to just float along through life but I am not going to be lifes passive passenger any longer. Who has the time for that? I suppose we all have the time for that if we want to use our time that way but I don’t.
So the life that Stephen and I dream of is a country life. We would happily live on acreage big enough to see no neighbours. A life with our God, each other and our precious children that is good and honest and not complicated. Give us fruit trees, veggies, cows and chooks and of course the much maligned bread maker and we will be blissfully happy. There was a time in my life when I was simply not willing to do what it takes to have that. I could never imagine myself leaving the coast but now I can and the opportunities seem to stretch out before us in an exciting and challenging new path that we are keen to walk on!
Fiji is a definite possibility for us for next year. I can imagine us Jarretts going tropical! Or rural Victoria. It is a deep deep desire that we have and it doesn’t ever go away. Stephen and I are both happiest when the sky and the land meet without the interference of manmade artifice!
So today is a big day here. My sister and her husband are moving out and we are preparing to move too. Going to a place where we will be a family in our own right again, for the first time in 2 years. I cannot wait for it to happen!

The slackest blogger in the world!

2009-07-21T22:51:00.002+10:00

Why have I been finding it so hard to write lately. Besides the low iron that makes me sound like a blubbering idiot of course hehehe. I just lack motivation and probably my life is really not nicely compartmentalised at present which causes me great upset!!

There is not one single box that I can tick and say yes! that one is done! For a lover of all things list orientanted and orderly I find myself in this strange land of limbo without the structure that I need in order for things to make sense. Did I realize that I was this way? Well I guess I knew I liked order and things to be logical and predictible to a point but there is no way that I was aware that my needs went to such a personal level!

So the current dilemma is that this house that we have been living in is vastly inadequate for our family at its current size without adding another child to it!! The lease is about to be up and decisions have been made - we are moving. We are not sure where we are moving to but the move had to be made.

We came to be in this home by accident. I was recovering from a brutal open surgical repair for a massive hernia and needed a high degree of care. Mum asked us to stay with her and the rest is rather messy history. During those early weeks here my father left mum and opted for life on the tropical shores of Fiji. (ah to have half his talent for landing on ones feet!) We decided to leave the ministry for a season (due to the complications we were having with this pregnancy!) and many other big life events occurred. I wont be sorry to say goodbye to this house but we have enjoyed a lovely Christmas here and made a baby here and had some really precious family moments too!

So our next decision is where will we move to? Obviously leaving the area has its major factors but there are some pretty huge bonuses to be had for those that are daring enough to believe it is possible to live more than 30 minutes in any direction from the sunshine coast. But before I crow too loudly about the benifits of turning from my traditonal stomping ground I feel obligated to point out that there are things that I will desperately miss! My wonderful mum, sister, brother, brother in law, sister in law, nan and pop will be missed most keenly! Then there is all of the precious family and friends that make our lives full! There is little else that I will regret leaving, with the exception of Montville's amazing views and Mooloolaba's cafe culture and of course Suncoast Church, with its awesome Pastors Chas and Fran Gullo ( whom I respect, value and love )

On the other hand, the idea of leaving is not without its charms! The prospect of having a new life is one that fills my heart with a sense of hope, both for Stephen and I and for our children!

So where to? The top contenders are still very much undecided, although we are talking about moving at least an hour north, south or west from our current location hehehe. I have reservations about moving from Nambour because I don't want to be far from my lovely Doctor. Decisions, decisions - let us see what tomorrow holds?

Magnificent Monday

2009-07-13T13:47:00.003+10:00

Another beautiful day in paradise! I cannot begin to say how much I love this time of the year. It is just the most perfect weather and glorious blue skys. I am sorry that it has been a little while since my last blog - I am finding it difficult to be motivated to actually do a whole lot of blogging because somethings there is just soooo much to say and I am not sure how i will make it come out in a way that other people will be able to understand where I am coming from but here goes!

We are now at 25 weeks pregnant. There were more dramas on Saturday night and I found myself at the hosptial yet again. Thankfully it was just some baby monitoring, contractions a urine test and then home. I am really really tired tonight and need some sleep!

pregnancy ponderings - Again

2009-07-04T22:56:00.002+10:00

What is it about pregnancy that causes me to think soooo much?

I was remembering a few minutes ago back to the very first time I got to experience the absolute miracle of another life inside of me. I had the most crazy dreams when I was pregnant with my darling Keturah. Dreams like ohhh putting a baby down somewhere and not being able to find her, or feeling lost and panicked - running blindly with this tiny little person in my arms - I was 19 when she was born so I suppose some of those obvious fears/concerns were very normal!

Fast foward to 2009 and I am not having crazy dreams and some of the reason for that I am sure is the fact that one must sleep to have them heheehee. I do wish that I was having more sleep!

Feeling Sunny Today!!

2009-07-04T10:20:00.002+10:00

Last night I found out that a friend I thought cared about me and my family is being two faced. LOL I have become so used to that over the last few months that it doesn't even sting anymore. So to take my mind of the fickleness of people we are planning a day out and about.

What could be better on such a glorious winter day than to make the short trip up to Montville and browse the little boutique stores for those gorgeous things that you just don't find in the big department stores.

I swear that I was made for boutique shopping. I could quite happily never see a major department store again and be very happy and content!!! While ever there is ebay, online shopping and breath within me why would i want to waste a day of my life milling around Sunshine Plaza (winter flu central) when I could be savouring the delights of the mountains. Screaming children and stressed out parents with a very large dose of hormonal teenagers all packed into a commercially engineered environment designed to make you want to get it quick and get out does not sound like a nice way to spend the day to me!!

I suppose 2 trips a year to harbour town or some other outlet shopping place is tolerable but for the most part, malls seem to be for the "see and be seen" crowd. That is so not me!! So as i make the transition to my increasingly decluttered life I am thankful that I dont have to waste time pretending to enjoy things that I really hate hehehe.

After all, by the time a woman reaches pregnancy number 5 you know what you want from life. You know that there is a good deal of things that are just not of any interest at all to you. I could not be happier at the thought of the changes that are taking place. I will never ever forget this pregnancy because these are the months I will always remember as having found myself. Not trying to prove anything to anyone, not being what I am expected to be, just being me and feeling really good about that.

I have found strength that I didn't know I had - I probably didn't have it but God saw everything that was happening and carried me. You know what it is like when a really savage storm finally stops and you poke your head out of the front door to look at what damage has been done. Well that is how I feel. And I have found that there is nothing that has been blown away that I regret loosing. There is mess and clutter to get rid of but that is okay and most importantly the people that I value, love and treasure are still right here so there is nothing to complain about! Some relationships were lost in debris for a while and some have changed forever but after the storm here we all are - Walking on into our tomorrows, far less afraid of what may come than we were prior to the storm because it is only through something like this that you find out who you really are.

So here we are - after the storm, running into our tomorrows with all of the joy that you should have when you know your dreams are just a few footsteps away!

Doctor Doctor

2009-07-02T00:19:00.003+10:00

Well pregnancy can be a really amazing time. Since the bleeding days of week ummm 7 to week 20, life has taken on a different feeling. So many awesome changes are happening in our lives and it is happening very quickly!!

New job opportunities have presented themselves, new prospects for next year and the promise of a life that is so far removed from where we are now that I am confident that only God could organise it.

All of the children are coming to terms with me being pregnant. I think that Aramis is probably the one with the most concerns. A little thinker is our Aramis. Darian and Aramis have both taken up residence in our bedroom again. It doesnt worry us because we know that one day they will be confident to sleep in their own rooms but until that time if they derive peace and comfort from being near us then why would we want anything else for them. I think it may be a good idea to get some trundel beds for our room or sleeping bags with airbeds in them so that their bedding is more easily moved.

on a happy note I am now 23 weeks pregnant and well on the way to 24 weeks! our 3d scan is not too far away now!!! I see the midwife at 25 weeks and then George at 29 weeks! The weeks truly are just flying by so quickly.

I can still fit into a lot of my clothes so that is a good thing! but I am finding the wire in my bras is annoying! I ended up with really bad indigestion the other night and itwas thought that my underwire bra was probably pushing on the lapband~I dont know about that i just know it hurt.

far far away

2009-06-29T22:42:00.002+10:00

Have you ever dreamed of a completely different life? I know that I have. Not that there is anything wrong with the life that I have at the moment - but there are some things that I would love to be different.

Things happen to all of us dont they! I mean I can think of a lot of things that have gone on in my life that I wish I had handled differently but hey there you go - I am determined not to dwell on it. I know that we have done a LOT of things right too!

So at the moment we are facing some HUGE decisions! It is an exciting time in our lives. In 4 months time we will have 5 children and it is time for things to change. So watch this space for updates on our plans for the future.

As for how I am - hmmmm - Last week was very eventful. A couple of hosptial trips and a late night visit from the doctor but in all honesty I am feeling much better today than I have done in quite some time.

I am really really loving being a mum. I always have loved it but I think that it just gets better! I am blessed with some seriously amazing children. They are so very different from one another and so uniquely talented. It is a total joy to me to watch them growing. Sad and happy at the same time. A number of years ago a young girl that was briefly in my parents church said something to me. She said that she believed that I was going to really come into a new love of being a wife and a mum. At the time I thought yeah yeah thats nice, and just kind of gave her a nod and a wink in my mind at least hehehe. But over the last few months I have realized what that meant.

I really feel like I have fallen in love with being a mum all over again. Our little stockpile of baby things is slowly growing and I am happy to say that excitement is building. I am going to order some story books so that I can read to bubby while he is still in my belly. Of course I could use books we already have but I want him to have a special one of his own.

Anyway I think that is about it for tonight - Steve's sleep screen alarm has just gone off so he is being monitored now. I am hopeful that this may provide some kind of answers for his snoring and constant tiredness!

Talk again soon

Love

Tash

Barefoot and pregnant!

2009-06-26T10:44:00.002+10:00

Well the barefoot thing is coming into play! Why is it that my feet seem to object so much to shoes. In reality I have done well in this pregnancy because today is the first day that I have noticed that my feet and hands are a little bit on the puffy side. Usually that unhappy side effect would have been evident much earlier!!

After a car trip to drop my old saddle to the lady that purchased it on ebay last weekend I am feeling every bit of the 23 weeks pregnant that I now am! Sitting in the car for as long as I did was a vast deal more unpleasent than I was expecting it would be. I am really quite partial to the odd car trip but obviously not during THIS pregnancy hehehe. I managed to keep down the half a piece of dry toast that I had eaten before we left but I tell you it was only just kept down!!

I feel like the ultimate whinger. It would be so awesome to be one of those pregnant ladies that just breezes through. This week I have experienced the well meaning banter of some people that thought I needed to be reminded how my baby could be experiencing stress and all sorts of things in the womb. " oh really do you think! " Hehehe, All of the years of pastors wife training quickly kicked in, I managed to supress my feelings and I would hope that I sounded grateful for the words of 'wisdom'. I learnt something about myself that day - by pregnancy number 5 I have learnt how not to be offended by the remarks of others.

I will never forget how gutted i have felt in previous pregnancies. All of the advice, the well meaning words of wisdom and sometimes the downright rude comments about the size of my belly etc etc. When I was pregnant with Keturah every single comment hurt me terribly but 12 years on I am obviously not the same person that I once was.

When I was pregnant with baby number 3 I had reached the point of arrogance hehehe - the ummm how many children have YOU had again and oh did you breastfeed them, have you had a vaginal birth and a ceaser ohhh really no, well I have! As I contemplate life with 5 kids I realize that I know very little and my children are all so different that there is no hard or fast formula that will work. Love and Consistency is what our children have come to expect from us and the application of those two things can look different from child to child.

At the moment I am worried about Justus waking at night! We have never had a child that would wake at night and want to eat. He is a picky eater and he did not even have solids till he was 11 months old because of his prematurity. We introduce him to different foods, we let him explore taste and texture but it is still virtually impossible to get him to eat more than 5 spoons of anything at a time. Undoubtedly he will grow out of this and will probably be a bit of a picky eater like his older brother but the waking up thing is worrying me! I was really wanting him to be sleeping thru the night before the baby came. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't do this every night but it has been happening a lot more than I would like!!

Sooooo as you go about your day today spare a thought for me - I am the one with the dark circles under my eyes from my lovely 1 am to 4 am wake up time with Justus!

baby baby

2009-06-21T22:02:00.002+10:00

Well another weekend has nearly finished and I am left wondering what this week will bring. Steve is going to be taking it easy this week as he has a minor procedure tomorrow and it is the last week of school before the holidays! I cannot believe how quickly this year is flying past.

I am starting to have those happy feelings that come along with being in the 20 something weeks pregnant category. I have finally stopped pad checking all the time and the constant trips to the toilet seem to be easing a little!

New dramas are maternity clothes - oh how i loathe them! And maternity bras - I loathe them too but I am in need of both and have to do something about it. Up until now there really hasn't been much need to update anything because I haven't been going out anywhere. I have no intention of suddenly becoming little miss social butterfly either! The extent of me leaving the house is for Doctors visits and short car trips that is IT! but that is okay!

When I was pregnant with Justus I really didn't listen to the advice of the doctors or to my hubby or other family members who told me that I needed to be taking it easy. I thought that I was taking it easy but in reality I can look back now and see that I just did far too much. I will not be caught out in that way again! I have absolutely no problem in leaving the cooking and house work to others.

I love spending time with the kids and this has been my perfect excuse to put everything else aside and focus on that! I have found that they are very understanding and I don't have to be running around the back yard with them (although I miss that terribly) for us to have fun together. We have enjoyed doing homework on the laptops and watching movies and writing stories and who would have thought that a made up game of staring at the wall and the last one to move is the winner could be SOOOO much fun! It has brought out our creativity and I have seen a gentleness coming out in the boys that is just so wonderful. Justus has always been close to his big brother Darian but over the last few weeks Justus and Aramis have developed a really gorgeous connection too! Aramis thought that he was so clever when Justus fell asleep on his lap the other morning. To see him sitting there holding his little brother so lovingly was a really precious moment.

Sure a lot of things have probably suffered. I am certain that some of my friends will believe I no longer care - It isnt that - I just dont want the flu or swine flu or to over do it and end up regretting going out. I have never had a period of time in my adult life that I can remember actually taking a block of time and devoting it entirely to my family. I honestly believe that everyone should do it at some point. All of the other things that we do and fill our time with will happen without us. So why not give our family 100% of ourselves for a period of time.

I know that this is not a new concept to many people but as someone that has always volunteered in churches and then went on to assistant pastor and then senior pastor, I became good at filling my life with a lot of things. I was unable to comprehend how it would feel to have no responsibility other than to my God and my family. I think this is probably why I needed to have this time. I will never forget the lessons that I am learning and how valuable they are. Some lessons I can only learn by experience and I know that this one is becoming a part of who I am. Someone that understands the difference between the things that I really need to do and the things that I can do. I wont let that line blur again.

and on that deeply pondering point i think I will wrap this up for the evening.

Have a wonderful week!

love

Tash

in ten years

2009-06-20T11:44:00.004+10:00

Well what a lovely gloomy Saturday we are having. I adore the occasional day like today especially in the winter time. Days when you can curl up in bed and read! Stephen has just reached down some fabric that I have purchased to make bunny rugs for the baby - I had hidden it in the top of the wardrobe because there really was so many concerns with the pregnancy that I felt somewhat foolish in wanting to start sewing for the baby.

Now as I look down at my 22 week pregnant belly all I can do is smile! 22 weeks ago tomorrow night was the night and I have not one speck of regret about it. I lay in bed last night looking at Steve, feeling really fortunate that he is the kind of man who loves his kids. He was asleep with one hand on my belly and a little half smile on his face.

This time 10 years ago we were all in Melbourne. Our marriage had been a bit rocky and Keturah and I had just moved 2000 k's to be with Steve. It was the best decision that I have ever made and I am so glad that I made it! I was looking at him last night thinking about all of the wonderful memories that we have crammed into the last 10 years! The kids, the different homes we have owned, the laughter and the fact that come what may we have stuck with each other!

I would never have expected things to have changed as drastically as they have in other relationships but there you have it. I would say that I am closer to my sister now than I am to my brother. My dad lives in Fiji but he keeps in regular touch - I hope that he comes home to meet the baby when the time comes but if he can't then I will understand. I miss my dad and even though he screwed up in the last few years he was in Australia nothing can take away my childhood memories and no unforgiveness will be a wedge to my relationship with him in the future.

My mum is ever the same as she has always been - a great mum - loving grandmother and totally inspiring for the way that she is reinventing her life but the bones of who she is have remained the same through the years - for that at least I am very grateful.

The next ten years of our lives will look very different to the last ten. There will be no more having kids. That chapter in our lives will close, it will be filled with lessons to go to after school, high school, university and possibly even marriage for Turah! ( although I must confess that I sincerely hope she waits until she is 23 or 24 before she makes a decision like that one!!)

There will be school for the boys, music lessons, footy and all of those good things and there will be the wonderful years of babyhood and toddler age and all of those stages to go through again. Such a wonderful and exciting time. And what about Steve and I. Well there will be a house and lots of love and laughter and butting heads like we usually do. For me there will be the loosing of all of the extra weight and some cosmetic surgery to fix up the flappy bubby bits! For steve there will be more study, and complete reinvention. Perhaps there will be another church? But for right now I am loving this stage in our lives.

Good News!

2009-06-19T21:02:00.002+10:00

well things are looking up! we have had some wonderful news! the ultrasound that I had on Wednesday has shown that the collection of blood in my uterus is down from over 400ml to barely 55ml. I am just so thrilled. I am starting to feel more alive and just starting to actually enjoy this pregnancy!!

It really had been my hope to give you an update as to the name of this little one but no such luck! Steve has had a change of heart on the name that I thought that we had decided on so I think it is best if we keep looking. Anyway I am a little tired tonight so i will write more in the morning

with love

tash

Another Day at the Beach

2009-06-14T15:26:00.004+10:00

my man and my little guy

2009-06-14T15:03:00.002+10:00

OUCH!!!!!!

2009-06-14T00:54:00.003+10:00

Ok that is IT! Enough Mrs. Nice blogger lol - I AM SORE! do I want pity . . . . . . umm yeah maybe just a little hehe. Why oh why am I the thrush monster? I really am not sure what else I can cut out of my diet or add in to help myself! I have had 3 courses of treatment prescribed by the Dr. and it vanishes for about 10 days but then I start feeling sore "down there" and it is back in all its horrible vileness and to make matters worse it starts me off having contractions - it obviously irritates my cervix as well as the rest of me - Oh well hopefully it will all be gone in a few days!

Saturday !

2009-06-13T10:03:00.002+10:00

mmmmmmm I love this time of year!! What a gorgeous morning it is. The air has that winter chill and I have remained tucked up in bed. Steve will be home very soon and I hope to enjoy this magnificent day with my beautiful family.

My iron levels are still painfully low and it really does take a toll on my energy - however, in spite of that tired feeling I still feel like I need to at least leave the house today. So I suppose we will see what happens!

I long for a full night of sleep - to actually feel like I am well rested and able to face the day would be so lovely! This morning, as i fight my way through the iron deficent 'i can't wake up' haze to try and force myself awake I am reminded of the very many blessings that I have in my life.

Family truly is a precious thing. My nan will be 80 years old tomorrow, oh what things she has seen in her lifetime! My thoughts have turned quite a lot lately to the many changed in our lives i the last 12 months. It truly is remarkable to think that so much could take place in such a short time.

There was a period of time - possibly 8 years or so when nothing much really changed for me. But that has been well and truly turned on its ear. I feel for my kids because of their 4 grandparents, they only really see my mum these days which is such a contrast to the world that Keturah grew up in. I wonder if this new little life in my belly will ever meet my dad? I have thought about him a lot in the last few days. I hope that the women that worked so hard to turn him against us (stupid dad for listening) are satisfied with what they have done. Am I bitter about it all? I am disgusted with the actions of the people involved but I truly do forgive them because in all truth they are to be pitied and I am sure that they will do the same thing to other families.

It has been 7 months since the kids saw their poppy and really they are okay. Darian misses him most of all but lets face it Dad is doing what he always wanted to do and he would have a terrible time trying to adjust to all of the changes that have taken place in our lives. I am glad for his sake that he is in Fiji. It has been two weeks since I saw my bro and his wife. We are all so busy these days. It is good to have the feeling of moving forward!!

Pregnancy Ponderings - midnight toilet runs!

2009-06-12T20:13:00.002+10:00

Today is in many respects a far better day than yesterday! I am feeling more able to cope - I really have no idea why except that I have been reading some really great resources and letting myself rest!

Now my major whinge for the day is that i am sooooooooooooooooo tired of waking up to go to the toilet ALL THE TIME. I have never been like this in my other pregnancies - does this mean that my pelvic floor is shot and I have some weakness, does this mean that my sides are behaving more normally than they ever have before (bearing in mind that i was the fittest i have ever been going into this pregnancy) or is it just the luck of the draw!

When talking with Dr. G last time i saw him I was so touched by his kindness and he said to me that pregnancy is a worrying time for every woman. There is no point in telling me not to worry because I will regardless and that is normal and will only really stop once the baby is here, safe, well and in my arms. Never were more sensible words spoken - although I must confess I had hoped to hear some "don't worry" speech. In truth I really am grateful for his brutal honesty and his willingness to say to me " hey there is no answer to that because the truth is we just don't know". It is less reassuring, but to me it is more comforting to know that he will tell me like it is!

My house confinment continues and next week I see the GP on monday and then have another Ultrasound on Wednesday and then see Dr. G again after that. He leaves on a months leave following that visit - and the nervous, scratchy feeling in the pit of my stomach commences every time i think about that! Yes there is a locum and yes there are awesome Dr.'s at Selangor -And I even know all of them BUT they are still not Dr. G!!!! His midwife, a lovely and very experienced nurse, Irene, will see me while he is away. Oh wouldn't it just be fantastic to think that I am not going to have to see them other than my scheduled visits!

On other matters the kids are all doing great - I am so proud to be their mumma! Steve is working like a trooper as always and has actually gone out tonight to see some friends that are starting a church. I am not sure if I have mentioned that Stephen was pastoring at the beginning of this pregnancy but quickly came to the decision that the stress of it would be too much for me in a pregnancy like this one, so he stopped. I know that this is just a season in our lives and was all the more convinced of that today when he was talking to our friend. I love that man so much and I am so proud to be married to a man that was willing to set the ministry aside for a time to serve in his words " a higher calling, my family".

Well i guess that is about it for now - The weekend is here and I am planning a very uneventful one!!

Tired - Swine Flu, Flu Flu and Low Iron

2009-06-11T14:42:00.004+10:00

Hey guys so sorry that it has been so very long since my last blog - I'm a little bit over everything at the moment. Things on the home front are umm a little tense to say the very least. Really when all is said and done we have found ourselves in a position that is quite stressful and really there is little else that I can say about it.

Pregnancy has never been a fun time for me. And it has never been a fun time for Stephen and I as a couple. A lot of people say that pregnancy brings them closer together - they are lucky because that has never been our experience. That is not to say that there has not been fun times and wonderful times during my pregnancies because there has been.

Yesterday the Doctors office called - my iron is extremely low which we knew but it has fallen again. This is something of a blow to me because I have been trying SO hard to get those levels up. recommended/normal iron levels in pregnancy are between 120 - 140. I know that a lot of women experience mild anemia in pregnancy but a lot of women do not experience the kind of complications that I've had ( thank God for that !) . At the time when I had the bad complications nearly 6 weeks ago my iron level was 89. While I was recently in hosptial it rose to 101 but is now back at 97.

The feeling of not being able to open my eyes in the morning is horrible and I know that my moods are fluctuating. Little things that would not normally worry me I am finding extremely annoying! The good thing is that bubby is growing lots and I am so thankful that everything has settled down!

Next monday we are going for our flu vaccinations - i cant believe it is that time of the year already!! I just wish that there was one for swine flu - no one but me seems to be too worried about it but my goodness people!!

I see Dr. G next week just before he goes away for a month :( I am hopeful that everything will just continue on and be totally fine while he is gone. We have ANOTHER ultrasound next week to make sure that everything is stable which I am sure it will be. Anyway I had best go and get some more rest.

I'll write again soon.

Love

Tash

June already

2009-06-01T13:23:00.000+10:00

Whoever said pregnancy is such a lovely time in a woman’s life was lying hehehehe. This morning Justus and Stephen came in to see me nice and early!! One of the lovely nurses, Stephanie, asked if she could see Justus. She cared for him when he was a tiny little prem. Steve had actually asked me just a couple of days earlier had I seen her and this morning she walked into the room!
It must be rewarding for those amazing nurses that work the NICU to see little ones like Justus that go on and do amazingly well! Stephanie is working down at The Royal in Brisbane as well as working here, doing 3 shifts a week. It was nice to hear that Justus’ paediatrician Dr. Donovan is still there! He was such a lovely man.
Poor Steve had a night of it last night! Aramis woke up with burning hot ears and a soaring temperature! So Steve spent much of the night awake lying on the lounge with a little boy that wasn’t feeling very well. He is pretty shattered today and I am hoping that he gets some sleep this afternoon!
Actually I had hoped that I would be going home today but that does not seem to be the case. Yesterday I went home for a few hours. The plan was to be home for about 5 hours resting and I made it to 4.5 when I started to feel strange and I asked Stephen to take me back to the hospital. I walked back in and by the time I got to my room I felt that little gush and knew that I was bleeding again.
Thankfully it was not a bad bleed and it has all settled down again this morning – the only remaining thing to be concerned over is the cramping and soreness! I am lying here waiting to see if I get an ultrasound today. There is a really big part of me that just wants to go home but then I don’t want to go home only to turn around and come straight back!
Well that is about it from me for now. I am finding it a bit difficult to think clearly today hehe. So I will talk to you again real soon!
Love Tash

baby baby

2009-05-30T17:06:00.002+10:00

So far this has been an interesting Saturday. I found it really difficult to make myself get dressed today. I really am super exhausted and feeling very bit of the nearly 19 weeks pregnant that I am.

I was speaking with one of the midwives this morning and she said that I am likely going to find that the bleeding stops around the 20 week mark. I am not sure where they come up with these statements from?

My first bleed was at 7 weeks and then again at 10 weeks and 11 weeks and 12 weeks and then at 14 weeks and every day since then – although it has been much less in the last 10 days and a much darker, older colour. I would love to think that all of the bleeding would end and that I could go through the rest of this pregnancy without the constant stress of daily cramping and bleeding.

It seems as though they are quite keen for me to go home. I think that probably if everything was to continue as it has in here that I would be absolutely fine to be at home but it will depend on how I cope and if I can just sit and do nothing. This room that I am in is great and it gets cleaned every day so I don’t have to worry about anything but just being at home for a few hours this morning reminded me of the fact that the standard that I like things to be at does not seem to be as important to others.

Could I just leave dusting and cleaning? Could I just overlook mess? Umm in all honesty probably for a few days but not in the longer term so what will I do? I guess I will just have to accept what I can’t do but oh my goodness that is going to be frustrating.
Last year I had months and months of relying upon the skills of others to keep my house and I am so grateful for all of their help. But there is nothing like knowing that you are caring for your family yourself! It goes without saying though that I would rather be at home with them. I love them so much and miss them terribly.

While at home for my little visit this morning I just loved to see the kids. I am going to go home again for a while tomorrow and then I will see how things go on Monday and perhaps they will let me go home. I would love to think that I could be home in my own bed and that I could cuddle and kiss Steve and the kids whenever I wanted!!! Of course the bed rest thing goes without saying but it will be so lovely to just be home with them. To see their happy little face and to be able to be part of their lives.

Another exciting development has taken place today! Stephen and I have agreed on a name for this precious little person! This name is one that I suggested a while back but it had slipped my mind and a name that Steve had not thought of for some time either. I had become so determined for the name for this baby to be one of the ones on my list! I was discounting other possibilities and really was being quite stubborn about the whole thing. This is, after all, our last child and I wanted the name to be beautiful and not like we were trying to fit every name that we ever liked into this name!

I called home a little while ago and was talking to Aramis who informed me that daddy was looking at baby names on the computer (Awww) and when I got to speak with Stephen he suggested it to me and I said “YES that is the right name for this baby!” I am so thrilled that Woggins finally has a beautiful name that is in keeping with the other children in our family!!!

pregnancy, the joys!

2009-05-29T21:39:00.002+10:00

Sitting in my unnaturally quiet hospital room I am reminded of the many joys of pregnancy. In the last week a fairly amazing transformation has taken place! My body has taken on a life of its own hehehe.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to be a mumma again. I am really happy and overjoyed to have this opportunity and I feel blessed BUT just to put you in the picture - I am 32 years old and absolutely adore my 4 kids and my man and I really was content with my family and I had taken steps to get my body back.

It is kind of funny to me because when I was younger I knew that I was going to have more than just one child so I didn't really worry about boobs that were less than perky or stretch marks or excess Tasha lol because I knew that the day would come when we would be done having children and I would get my body to the state that I wanted it to be in. Last July I commenced my Lap Band journey and I had it repositioned last December. I had lost a lot of weight and was starting to feel really great.

When we found out that we were expecting another baby I didn't really take into consideration the way that I would feel about my changing body. In the last week my breasts have more than doubled in size and because I am in hosptial and there are babies crying all the time my milk decided to come in yesterday!!!!! Suddenly I have a big belly again and everything feels and looks swollen lol! This part of pregnancy I am actually struggling with this time and this is a first for me because every other time I wasn't really worried about it.

Today I have been the play thing for one of the lovely midwives and an older student midwife (she has 7 kids!!!!!!!!!!!!) They have been coming in and practicing listening to bubba with the doppler. It isnt that common for midwives to have access to a lady of my gestation - Usually they dont even see the mums until they come in when they are around 30 weeks to view the hosptial, and then they only get to know them if they book for pre-natal classes of some kind.

It has been fun to have two lovely cheerful ladies to talk to today. Also today the tiredness that I have been feeling seemed to be a little worse. I slept in very late this morning and found it really difficult to get motivated. The Dr. assures me that it is the low iron thing that that will improve as I take more supplimental iron. So I hope that that is the case.

Tomorrow I am going home for a couple of hours on day release. Really I think it is to see what happens if I am back at home around the kids and if the bleeding increases. I am praying that that has all settled down now and that I will be okay at home for a little while then I come back a few hours later and then depending on how that goes tomorrow I may do it again on Sunday.

Dr. G has organised the referral for my ultrasound for Monday - I hope I dont have the same nasty tech that I had last time!! And a lot rides on the results of that scan. Wether I will be a resident at Club Selangor for another week or two or wether I can go home and sit in that bed lol. Either way I am sure that Dr. G will do what he feels is best for me. His holidays are coming up and that makes me feel nervous!!!

Anyway I better go but I will write again soon.

Love

Tash

2009-05-28T18:24:00.001+10:00

What an enlightening couple of days I’ve had. I have learnt a really important lesson I think! Asking for help is not the worst thing in the world and saying hey I am having a hard time with this can be a good thing.

Yesterday I struggled emotionally! There are so many unknowns with this situation and there is absolutely no way to tell what is going to happen but as the week as gone on it has become apparent to the medical staff that it may be less likely that I am going to have a bleed of any great significance in the light of the fact that what I am loosing is old blood. Although that fact does drive home the size of the initial bleed!

Still yesterday everything seemed to have mounted up. Sometimes it is easy to look at the problems rather than looking toward the answer. Last night in my state of anxiety I sent a text to Stephen and he responded with something so profound that it caused me to take stock of where I was letting my mind wander off to! The exact conversation isn’t relevant to this post but it helped to remind me that I was forgetting that in every situation we can choose to focus on the fear or choose to remember that God more than able. Does it mean that I will always remember that – No because I am human and I have moments but it does mean that when I forget and need reminding I am so thankful that I have a good partner in life.

I really am thankful that I am in hospital. I have the opportunity to rest and to make sure that my health is not compromised in any way. Tomorrow the physiotherapist is coming to see me. She will be fitting me for a proper tummy support to keep this pregnancy riding a little higher and to hopefully give me some advice on what I can do to help myself in the light of the hernia surgeries that I had last year. This is something that I would not have had assistance with had I still been at home! What a relief it is to know that I will be getting some help for this growing belly of mine

On tonight’s agenda is the overwhelming task of coming up with a name for this precious little person! Now that we are absolutely sure of the sex of this bubba it is time to get serious about names. The problem is that Stephen and I have been unable, thus far, to agree! This inability to agree has never happened before over the naming of our baby!

Justus is two!!

2009-05-27T14:50:00.001+10:00

I had a lovely start to the day today! I got to see my little Justie for his second birthday! It was wonderful to spend time with him. I have missed him so very much! Right now the hospital room is decorated with some lovely helium balloons that Steve brought and I am looking forward to seeing all of the kids and Steve in a little while to have birthday cake and presents with Justus.
Well today I am not sure if it means something or nothing but the Psychologist that works with the pregnant ladies at Selangor came to see me today. She was lovely and I am glad that I have had a chat with someone. I have been having mild anxiety attacks. Hardly sleeping and waking in the middle of the night feeling very short of breath and light headed. I mentioned them to Dr. G and he said that in the light of all that is going on in my world at present it really is very understandable.
I had hoped that today would shed some light on what is going on with the bleeding but unfortunately there are no answers yet. A lovely midwife named Julie came in to talk to me and was very sorry that she was unable to tell me more. Apparently, in some cases, the baby will need to be older for a proper diagnosis to be made as to the location of the clot. None of this helps me in terms of my emotional state which is considerably worse today than it has been for quite some time. I can feel the anxiety there just below the surface.
The information that I have learned that has helped me is that when the baby is a little bit older(perhaps in 2 weeks or so) they will be able to tell by ultrasound where the bleeding has come from and whether it is safe for me to go home and have little bleeds or whether the location of the bleed means that I will need to stay in the hospital longer term. After what happened at 14 weeks if I have to stay in hospital then I am fine with that. At least that is an answer of sorts. It says what has to happen in order for me to know whether I will go home or stay in the hospital.
Now I will have to wait to see when that information can be learned. Dr. G told me this morning that I will have another ultrasound next week – I guess that is to see that bubby is growing okay and by the looks of my belly I think that the answer to that is a resounding YES! LOL

hospital

2009-05-26T13:42:00.000+10:00

I am really feeling a little bit on the grrr side of things this morning. Who would have thought that one small oil burner (electric not candle) could cause so many problems. I have buzzed twice, once for pain relief and once for water and on both occasions I have been confronted with OHHHhhhh this is the room with that smell in it. Oh it is so strong oh blah blah blah!!! I was asked to turn it off last night and I did as the smell had apparently entered into the ventilation system ( apparently people would rather the hospital pong and believe you me it can get very very smelly in these rooms. )
Actually one of the reasons that I always like to take my burner with me is that I have had nursing staff complain to me about smelly rooms. Lets face facts – hospital rooms aren’t exactly built with your nose in mind and bathrooms really tend to stink. One of the Ob/Gyn’s came in to the hospital this morning and absolutely loved the smell that was wafting up the corridor but the burner hasn’t been on for hours and hours! Oh well – the much talked of burner is getting tagged this morning by the electrician and I will be able to use it. But I have said I will just use it for brief periods of time. Ugh dramas.
Anyway on to the important matters.
Tomorrow is Justus birthday. I am allowed to go home for leave and they seem to be pushing that idea rather than the party coming to me. I am not keen on that as a general idea and I have no desire to leave the hospital. I am not sure that the nursing staff truly understand the horror of what happened to me the other week or how unwell I have felt. But still I understand that they are trying to help things seem normal LOL.
Dr. G came in to see me this morning and I told him that I was feeling really really average! He said that that was normal after all that I went through yesterday and he is now going to try and get the results of the ultrasounds that were done at Nambour General Hospital so that he can see if things are better, worse or just the same.
Dealing with the continual boredom of being in a place like this is not something that is foreign to me. It is difficult when there is just one part of your body that is playing the role of rebel, while the rest of you is relatively fine. I have realised that it is difficult for nursing staff to “nurse” patients that really are not sick – but rather that must rest in order to prevent them from being sick. It is a strange thing because I know that I have done the moron face at a few of the lovely, well meaning nurses already. I was told I am to rest, in bed and to buzz for what I need so I buzz for water and I am told to get it myself next time – okay no problems but just what exactly is expected of me – and the answer to that is that unless Dr. G has written it in the notes what is expected will vary from shift to shift as different nurses come and go.

In hospital

2009-05-25T21:23:00.002+10:00

well this is a most unexpected turn of events. I called Dr. G this morning and we talked about my concerns. I have always been fairly in tune with my body and I have finally found a doctor that understands that!!!

I had the ultrasound this afternoon. I had a rather rude tech conduct it. I have never been asked my weight before in an ultrasound - then she tried to make it sound as though that was normal lol. Oh well I was really too sore and tired to make more of an issue of it. Steve asked her afterwards why she did that and she came up with a reason but as he said in the other ultrasounds in this pregnancy even i have never been asked so why today? Why did she ask my exact weight? Oh well. . . . .

She also disputes my dates and has me 5 days earlier than every other ultrasound tech that has scanned me this far (6 in total - who have all agreed with each other) - There was only ONE night that I fell pregnant and I know when it was exactly.

After the ultrasound I got straight in to see Dr. G and he looked films and spoke with the Dr writing the report on the scan and said to me " You were absolutely right there is something wrong and he patted my shoulder and said it is not in your head ok" and I started to cry - As he pointed out it would be better if it were in my head but we just have to take one day at a time now. He said that I absolutely had to be in hospital and that I had to be on bedrest. I am still allowed up to the toilet which is a big relief to me. So I guess I get to be really lazy and just lie here and do nothing. I have to buzz if I need anything ahhh what a life.

I already miss the kids desperately. I have the hosptial Teddy that Darian gives me every time I go to hosptial, he cried and cried when I left. Keturah looked worried, Aramis was trying to be strong and Justie was a little bit unsure which is totally understandable. I think that we are having Justus' 2nd birthday in my room here. He won't remember it but I will. I am looking around the room right now and feeling thankful that at least I have a private room and it is not a bad size.

Since I got in here I have had a set of obs, a blood test done, sexy white stockings put on and dinner - not very exciting hey. Steve even remembered to pack my electric oil burner so I have yankee candle melt smell wafting in the room and down the hall. Better than the clinical smell. Anyway I am going to go now. I will blog again tomorrow as long as I'm up to it.

Love

Tash

Justus Donte's Premmie Arrival Part 3

2009-05-25T13:19:00.005+10:00

I find it really really emotional to write this story especially this next part but here goes. I was prepared for Surgery. We were reassured over and over that the RWBH has one of the best NICU's in the country and that he was going to be the very best hands (Dr. Tim Donovan - To whom I will be ever grateful for saving my sons life over and over) But in all honesty it made absolutely no difference at ALL.

I cannot describe the horror that I felt and knowing that there was nothing I could do to prevent it from happening. I felt like such a failure and I was so angry. Angry at God but most of all I was angry at me. If only I had believed harder, or prayed harder or been a better mum, wife, pastors wife etc that this wouldn't be happening. I didn't just blindly accept, I requested second opinions and I fought the staff each step of the way, presenting other options, other reasons to delay even a few days but ultimately it was going to be my choice and what if we waited and that waiting caused an infection etc. There was a knot of fear in the pit of my stomach like nothing I have ever known before.

I had a sadistic nurse that really wanted to insert the catheter before I had the epidural. I had never had that happen before and I told her that I didn't want her to do it. But she argued with me and wore me down so I agreed. boy was that a mistake! It hurt sooooooooo Much!!
I ended up having to go to the toilet anyway but that is another story.

So there was a slight delay of about 45 minutes while they ensured that my blood type was what I said it was. I was glad for any delay because it meant longer for Justus' lungs to get the medication that I had taken to help mature them. Then I met the anesthetist. A woman! I was having a sexist moment and was even more terrified because she didn't look old enough and well you just don't think logically in those situations. It turned out that she was not just an anesthetist but that she was THE ANESTHETIST hehehe so my worry was really very unfounded. I told her that I itch dreadfully with epidurals and she promised me that I would be okay and that she would make sure that I didn't itch. It was probably the best epidural I have ever had. Perfect placement and no dramas with patchy numbness. When I felt nausea rising she dealt with it, when I started to itch she fixed that too.

I was wheeled into the operating room and everything was made ready. I felt like I was going to be sick the whole time and Steve didn't look much better. His face was tight and he was trying to hard to be brave for me. Before long the two faces of the Doctor and the Professor appeared from behind the green sheet to ask me if I was ready. I just nodded - what more was there to say..... knowing that it is possible to look up into the light and watch the whole ordeal via its reflective surface I requested that the green sheet be raised higher. I didn't want to see. minutes passed - no where near as long as with my previous C-Sections - then they started to say oh he is a good size at least 1500 grams and I felt him lifted out of me. 1500 grams WHAT! yeah great size guys! ( Justus was a very good size for his very premature gestation! I did not realize that at the time but a day in the NICU taught me what micropremmies look like!)

Then I heard it. It sounded like the tiny mew of a baby kitten. That was the cry of my tiny tiny baby. I remember crying and crying and they brought him over to me. I was horrified, he was so tiny and I didn't want them to bring him to me I wanted them to take him where he could be properly looked after. I quickly kissed him and said look after him please and the nurse quickly took him and he was gone. I lay there crying while they stitched me back up. I remember looking at the Professor like he was a two headed alien when he said he had removed scar tissue and that I would be able to have more children without problems and I said.. yeah right like I will ever do this again and that was it.

I was wheeled into recovery but my mind was fixed on Justus, I was so worried. I think that I was taken on my bed to see Justus in his little glass house (the little crib that would be his home for the next 3 months). By this time it was nearly midnight. I arrived in my room at 1am and they wanted to send Stephen home! Eventually someone relented and he was allowed to sleep on the floor! I felt so guilty that he was on the floor and moved over so that we could squish together on the bed. That really hurt but it was better than seeing him on the floor and cried myself to sleep. I woke at 3 and wanted to get up and have a shower so the nursing staff helped me do that. I managed the task mostly on my own. And I think I only used the pain buzzer once so they eventually realized that I wasn't going to use it and took it out. The night nurse had forgotten to do up my catheter bag so I woke the next morning to room smelling of urine - lovely just what you need when your whole world has fallen apart.

Stephen spent those first 2 days with Justus. I went to see him but I couldn't stay long. I was so scared of that room, I felt overwhelmed with all of the noises and I didn't know what anything meant. I felt like there was something wrong with me because all I wanted to do in there was cry and other mums were in there and were so hands on. I was frightened to touch him, I was frightened to love him and I hated myself for feeling all of those things.

Stephen would report to me how he was doing and when I saw Dr. Donovan he said that the only time that I needed to worry was if he called.

Well on the 29th of May 2007 at 5:00pm he called. Justus' lungs were collapsing, they were going to have to do a small surgical intervention to reinflate his lung and he had developed lung disease of prematurity. I got off the phone from in my room and immediately called home to see where Stephen was but I couldn't get through. I knew something was wrong so I kept trying and when I finally got someone it was my brother and he said Tash . . . . Aunty Ol is dying and I said what do you mean and he said she is dying the ambo's are here working on her but she is gone.

Doctors Visit

2009-05-25T09:33:00.002+10:00

This afternoon I am going to see my GP. I decided that it is probably a good idea to have a talk to someone about some of my concerns and I am hoping that he will order blood tests so that my blood count can be checked because I still don't feel 100% from the other week.

So I figure that while he probably wont be able to lay to rest my concerns I will at least feel better if i have talked about them - just for my own peace of mind.

Well a lot has happened since I started to write this post this morning. I called my Ob/Gyn and my ultrasound that was to be tomorrow is now in 3 hours time and he will see me today to determine wether I need a rest in hospital. I just want to cry. I know it is for the best but it is my babies birthday this week.

Anyway hopefully I will have a better idea of what is going on in a little while.

Love

Tash

I know its late

2009-05-24T22:56:00.004+10:00

Hey Everybody,

We just watched a movie with Turah - Save the last dance - Ahhhh I gotta admit I am so glad that I have someone that loves to watch the dancey movies as much as I do! Turah is so awesome. She only started ballet this year but is naturally gifted in that area and is doing so well. It really makes me happy that she has something that she loves to do.

Well today has been a good day. My tummy stopped hurting which was a big bonus and the spotting has calmed right down! I feel a lot better! I spent a fair while with Justus today looking at pictures. He is so clever! He knows everyone - even old pics of Steve and I! He got a bit sad when he saw one of him when he was in the NICU. He said... oh yucky.....urt bubbies face. It made me very sad and I quickly flicked past that pic. He found some of me doing funny faces so spent the rest of the afternoon trying to copy them hehehehe!

Anyway I think that I will leave it at that for this evening and try to get some sleep while I actually feel tired.

So Tired

2009-05-24T11:29:00.008+10:00

I didn't make it to church this morning. Steve had already told me that I wouldn't be going as per the doctors orders. I was relieved that I wasn't left home on my own today. I am not too sure that I would have been able to cope being by myself this morning.

It was about 9 am when Mr. Gorgeous popped his smiling face around the door and asked me if I wanted breakfast. He has become quite the cook over the last few weeks and after giving me a quick cuddle good morning he vanished to the kitchen. I could hear the happy sounds of kids playing - the weekends sound so different to school days. The kids are happy and relaxed and so are we. On week day mornings there is always some drama, someone has always forgotten something or another.

I made my way to the lounge room - I cant really do a whole lot with the kids but I can at least be there with them and that seems to satisfy them. I am glad that they are easily pleased because the limits that I have to live with frustrate me terribly!!

Steve brought me a perfectly cooked omlette with cheese and baby spinach and tomato filling. Justus quickly jumped up beside me and with a big MMMMM mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm proceeded to help himself hehehehe. Even with his assistance we only managed to get through half of it but it was nice to have something other than liver for breakfast. Not that I am complaining because I know I have needed what I have been having to try and build my strength back up.

Last night was an aweful night and as night approaches again I hope that tonight is less stressful. It was about 9pm when i started to experiennce cramping again. It was really quite painful and my best efforts to distract myself weren't really working. Steve came to bed not long after that and by 11pm I was really very uncomfortable. I felt as though I was about to have some loss and made my way to the bathroom. Oh I wish it would just stop. The words of the Doctor from the night before kept going around in my head but I really wasn't sure if it was new or old so I called for Steve and he said that it looked like old blood to him so I just went back to bed.

Aramis and I swapped beds as we often do at night and I just lay there, perfectly still. Hoping and praying that everything was okay. I finally couldn't fight to stay awake any longer, and at 4 am and I drifted off. It wasn't long after that I heard the sounds of the kids waking up and Steve popped his head in to the room to make sure I was okay. He left me to try to sleep but it was broken at best.

I will call and see if I can move my ultrasound forward to this coming week so that they can check to make sure that the antibiotics have done their job and that I am on the road to recovery. This is not an easy time for any of us but I know that we will be okay.

Last Night - coming clean

2009-05-23T13:01:00.004+10:00

Hi there everybody! Sorry about the way that my last post ended. Last night was a pretty bad night! I have been blogging away here because I just love to be able to share my experiences and I suppose I hope that perhaps one day they may be helpful to someone else.

I have been reluctant to go into too much detail but I think that this is important! When I went to hosptial a few weeks back and was kept in over night, from a medical point of view I was at very high risk, yes precious little woggins too but me - mumma of 4 precious kids and wife of one man that loves me very much and does not want to raise his children alone! My blood pressure had dropped so low that they were talking blood transfusions and all kinds of things.

Well happily everything settled down. On Sunday of last week I was placed on Antibiotics because I had commenced having a brownish discharge and it was thought that it was the remains of what happened the other week - finally coming out. Obviously there was a risk of infection so the antibiotics were to clear that.

I didn't really ask a lot of questions, I suppose I should have but I was not sure that I wanted to know what the answers were. Then last night I started to get have painful cramping and found very dark blood - this caused a bit of panic in me and we were very quick to ring Selangor Hospital. I spoke with Julie - one of the midwives that I have known since Aramis was born there over 7 years ago. She told me that it was possible that a blot clot was passing and that she would call the Gynae on call and then she asked for my number.

A few minutes later I was speaking with my Gynae of 16 years Dr. Ted Weaver - He was the man that cared for me through all 3 of my pregnancies with the boys. He listened to my concerns and then said that he thought it was likely that the anitbiotics had done their job and that the blood clot that had been in there had liquified and come away! Oh how nice it was to hear good news for a change. Obviously that was his very educated and experienced summation and he encouraged me to bring my Ultrasound booked for the 9th of June forward to next week to confirm that everything is ok and to take it very easy over the weekend which of course I will.

Anyway thank you for reading and i will get back to Justus Premmie Arrival real soon!

Love

Tash

The Premmie Story of Justus Part 2

2009-05-22T21:32:00.005+10:00

I had a very uncomfortable ride in the taxi that day! I couldn't get to the hospital quickly enough! About 15 minutes later Stephen strode in - he had left church to go on without him and was there with me. I was deeply relieved and grateful and looking back on it now a little horrified at myself for thinking that all of those people had more right to my husband than I did at that time.

I was strapped to a monitor to see if I was having contractions and I was. They also did 3 different tests to see if i was leaking amniotic fluid. Two of the tests said I was, and one said that I wasn't, but I knew that I was. How did I know? ok I will gross some people out right now but my water has broken every single time and I would know that smell and taste, yes taste, anywhere. When Dr. George walked in he introduced himself and was so calm and reassuring. They gave me the steroid shot for the babies lungs and continued to monitor me. By the evening when the contractions had not stopped in spite of the medication that I had been given to stop them the decision was made that i was being rushed through to the Royal Brisbane Womens Hospital.

I was terrified. I could not believe that I was in an ambulance and that we were going so fast. I could not believe that Steve couldn't come with me and I did not want Justus to be born so early! I cannot even begin to explain all of the things that were running through my mind. I just did not want him to be born for at least another 6 weeks. Could I be held off, would they be able to stop the labour, what would happen, what if . . . . . .

When we got to The Royal I was checked by a senior Dr and he thought that I would be ok to be held off for a few days but then the professor of Gynaecology came in and he determined that the risk of infection was too great with how my water had broken and how hard and constant my labour was.

I was prepped for an emergency C-Section. The absolute fear that had gripped me I cannot adequately explain. I felt like I was living in a horror movie. They were about to take my 3 month premature son from my womb and there was no other choice. At this point I am going to have to take a little break from writing this down, I will come back and do some more tomorrow.

I have spoken with my Gynae this evening because of some worrying symptoms I was having and I am to continue to adhere to strict bed rest. So Goodnight for now !

My little guy is nearly 2 - the Premmie Story of Justus

2009-05-22T08:31:00.013+10:00

The weekend is here again! I love love love the weekend! It means cartoons Saturday morning, sleep in's, time with the kids and hopefully that hubby of mine won't have to study too hard.

I am exhausted from - well nothing it would seem. As I sit here in bed I can hear my littlest guy crying because his sibilings are about to go to school. He has such a big voice when he wants to use it! He will be 2 next week! I can hardly believe that my beautiful little man is nearly two years old!!

It really seems only yesterday that I was pregnant with him. Life was so amazigly different back then.

Pregnancy with Justus had been very uneventful for the most part. I was not sick at all, (only one day of spewingness and nausea - and I think that was a tummy bug and not a bubba induced state) I had a little spotting at the 11 week mark but NOTHING that would be any cause for alarm (especially in the light of what I have experienced in this pregnancy

Still it was baby number four and I was 29 and about to say goodbye to my 20ies forever - Wow those were the days my friends hehehehe - I did not know just how good I had it back then. I was 19 when our gorgeous little girl was born, 25 when our first son came into the world and just 16 months later at the age of 27, his little brother arrived. Justus did not make his grand enterance until i was 30 years old.

Those first 3 pregnancies were so different, okay I was a little bit sick and all, but the achey body, ligament stretching, sore hips and general misery of pregnancy with Justus was like nothing I had experienced before. In my attempts to explain away the symptoms I just said that I was too old to be doing this (at 29 and then I turned 30 right before he was born) I can't help but smile as I remember my attitude back then.

My mum had 3 kids and her mum had 2, so the two most influential story tellers in my life were somewhat horrified at my bedraggled state. They would say things like "having kids is something that you should do in your 20ies, It is too hard on you as you get older" never really refering directly to me but just putting the general YOU out there in the hope that I took the hint I guess. I suppose that it was easy for me to believe that it was my age rather than things are different for your body when it is baby number 4 that is on the way.

By baby number four the body has been there and done that and seems to protest at having to do it again!! I really thought that pregnancy was pregnancy and I didn't fully grasp that repeating the process over and over can cause you to achey and sore for more of the time.

But by the time i was 16 weeks pregnant with Justus things were looking up. I was waddeling around the place and doing fine and I continued to feel okay up until i was 28 weeks pregnant. We went to the hospital a few times because I was having contractions but they always stopped and everything was okay.

At a routine Antenatal visit with my Gyne I was feeling a little bit on the thrushy side. I have always been suseptible to it and I thought that thrush may have played a part in Darians early arrival 3 years earlier so I mentioned it. No treatment was perscribed because he said that usually there is just a few days of discomfort and then everything improves.

That was Tuesday the 22nd of May 07. On the Wednesday I started feeling a little trickle when I walked. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" was my reaction and quickly made my way to the hospital. They swabbed me and said ohh it must be your bladder lovie. I didn't really believe that but it was prefereable to the alternative train of thought so I went with that. By Friday I was admitted to hospital and given medicine to stop contractions. I was allowed home Saturday morning under strict orders to rest so rest I did.

Sunday morning dawned. I haven't yet mentioned that hubby was Pastoring an awesome church at this time. (he made the hard call to stop pastoring when the complications arose with this pregnancy and we were told we had to limit stress and that I would likely be needing to spend a lot of time in bed - he said he would never get this time over again to do right by his children and by me and that if it was my health or pastoring a church there was no choice!)So I assured him that I would stay in bed and that everything would be fine and that I was fine and sent him and the 3 kids off to church. I called my brother to let him know that I was on my way to the hospital via taxi almost as soon as hubby and the kiddyo's had left because I was having really hard contractions!

To be continued . . . .

Antenatal Visits

2009-05-21T09:53:00.006+10:00

Well we were at the Doctors Office by 8:15 am for my appointment only to find that they do not open till 8:30 am! Someone in the office had made a mistake and written the wrong time on the appointment card - oh well my lovely Doctor saw me first up anyway. He is such a great Ob/Gyn, by far the most personable, caring and genuinely intersted one that I have encountered thus far.

This morning we talked about my concerns. He confirmed my thoughts on the old hernia scar - it feels like there is a little bulge around where the hernia was. He was not overly concerned and just wants me to be careful - I am not allowed to go shopping now and just have to continue with the antibiotics. He gave me a tighter tummy support *very very funny to watch me putting that on!* (pictures to follow!)

The results from the swabs from Sunday showed happily (sarcasm!!) that i have thrush - Aren't I lucky. He said that there was no indication of it at the time - But having said that I do shower a few times a day - do people really go to the Doctor all umm thrushish??? So anyway, he said thrush is not always treated in pregnancy but for me it will be treated.
!!!!! YAY !!!!!

I have 9 antenatal appointments left before this little treasure comes into the world!! Dr. George is going away on holidays from the 18th of June to the 20th of July! So during that time if anything happens I would see one of the 4 Gynae's that I already know. It isn't the same as seeing George but it is okay and at least he bothers to inform his patients!this morning we got to hear bubba's heart with the doppler! oh so excitment. That was the first time that the Dr. has been able to pick up the heartbeat. The clever English midwife did it on Sunday morning! she was the first one and got it nearly straight away!!!

My Antenatal Appointment Schedule

17/06 @ 12:15 with Dr. George 21 wks ( $1750 admin fee due at this appointment)

15/07 @ 12:15 with Irene 25 wks (midwife)

12/08 @ 9:15 with Dr. George 29 wks

09/09 @ 11:45 with Dr. George 33 wks

23/09 @ 9:30 with Irene 35 wks

07/10 @ 9:30 with Dr. G 37 wks

14/10 @ 10:15 with Dr. G 38 wks

21/10 @ 9:45 with Dr. G 39 wks

28/10 @ 10:30 with Dr. G 40 wks

Coles - shopping online!

2009-05-20T19:48:00.005+10:00

Ok this is totally off topic but I just thought I would mention how much I love http://www.coles.com.au/ !!! I can still at least do the grocery shopping!

I ordered about an hour ago and it will arrive on my doorstep tomorrow afternoon - ahhhhh gotta love that!

Meltdown Day - obsessive pad checking !!!

2009-05-20T16:44:00.008+10:00

Today I have suffered in silence. I guess we all have days like that occassionally - I usually like to look on the bright side of things but the bright side looks a horrible shade of gray today. I was thinking about making today the day that I come clean about the condition that I have that has got me confined to this bed for a good part of every day but to be very honest I am just not ready.

I am not really even ready to admit anything to myself, let alone to the whole world. Perhaps the winter chill has crept in a little today and the sun is just not as bright and yeah - I could keep trying to come up with reasons that I am feeling lousey but the truth is I am totally over all of the uncertainty! I want to be excited that I'm having a baby - not running to the bathroom every half an hour to make sure that everything is still okay - I wish that the pads would use their wings and fly far far away from me! I hate it that I even need to check!

3 weeks ago on Sunday I had an incident take place that saw my blood pressure plummet into very very dangerous territory and I don't think that I have ever felt worse in my whole life than I did on that day. But today that same tiredness has crept in and Mr. Gorgeous is back to feeding me pan fried liver and bacon, spinach and tomato and has been in making sure that I am having enough floridex (iron suppliment) to keep me going. This is such a strange time in my life - so many changes have happened, so many relationships have altered and I have changed too.

Today and every day I just want to be a normal wife and mum. I want to look after my kids - I appreciate the help of others but it hurts so much to not be able to do all of the normal things with them! I know that tomorrow will be better and I know that there are a lot of people worse off than me but if blogging is about being real (and to me it is) then this is me today!

Fine Form - The cost of pregnancy - lack of umm ;)

2009-05-20T07:52:00.007+10:00

This rainy Wednesday morning I cant help but think about how this pregnancy is taking a toll on our relationship. We will be fine - we have worked through this four times before but have never actually been told by the Doctor that we are not to have sex before.

I'm sorry if is is a TMI (too much information) topic but what do you do in a situation like this? I suppose for some people it may not be that much of an issue. But I am not one of those people!!! To me this is devestating. I am aware that there are many other non-actually-doing it things that we can do in the mean time - but the mean time is 4 MONTHS!!!!

Mr. Gorgeous and I had a talk about this the other night and while we both understand that this is the way that things are, it really feels so odd. We have been married for nearly 14 years and apart from a bumpy patch in our early years when we were seperated, our sex life has always been really awesome and really frequent.

When the Doctor said this to us I know that I had an odd look on my face because I was momentairly stunned. I think in a lot of ways I am having a more difficult time of this than Mr. Gorgeous! This sure is bringing up my insecurities. As if getting larger and feeling akward and less than drop dead sexy wasn't enough to deal with all on its own?!

So now as I enter into a sexless world (big O'less existance for me - Dr's orders) I wonder how I will cope! And other drama's this morning is that my brownish sludgy blood has returned. :(

home from school - a rainy day

2009-05-19T19:18:00.006+10:00

It was a slow start to the morning this morning. The Boss slept in so Stephen slept too and I had been victim to another terrible night of sleeplessness so I took advantage of the relative quiet that was still throughout the house and let myself enjoy a few extra minutes of . . . . . . and that was about how long that thought lasted hehehe. The two older boys came into our guest room and giggling all the time decided that they were going to wake me up!

Tiredness from the pregnancy doesn't register with my little guys and neither does the thought that they shouldn't come in and wake mummy - and that is just the way that i like it!! cold little feet pressed against me and the sound of sweet little voices under the covers talking to my belly. "Good Morning sweet Woggins, I love you." and "I hope you have a good day today". Those are just the kind of precious things that I never ever want to forget so I am writing them down.

The boys soon decided that talking to someone that was going to talk back was a good idea and emerged from under the blankets to tell me that it was really raining and that that was going to spoil their day off. ( Queensland School Teachers were striking today to try and get a pay rise so there was no school)

They had breakfast and played happily with each other for a while until we decided that we would take them to Montville.

Okay, Montville is certainly not the white sandy beaches that The Sunshine Coast is famous for but it is their second favourite place to go. The drive up the mountain was so lovely and the kids were absolutely delighted to be driving in the clouds!!

Umbrellas in hand, they ran up and down the hills surrounding their favourite montville park. They were so happy to be 'eating the clouds' and they looked adorable running in and out of the mist. A little while later we frequented their most favourite place to eat and ordered lunch and Chai Latte's! Yes even the kids drink them!

After a thoroughly delectable lunch and a wander through the games shop nearby we headed back down the mountain and did a little more shopping. This was probably bordering on too much walking for me but it was really nice to be out of the house. Stephen parked the car very close to everywhere we went but I was very glad to be back in the car and home by the time we arrived back.

We decided to leave The Boss asleep in his cot when we left and he had a nice time with his Aunty once he woke up but was seriously displeased at being left behind. He looked so gorgeous in the new clothes that we got for him but he let all of us know that he was not a happy camper that he missed going out. He told me that we not leav'en 'em aden (we are not leaving him again) so I now consider myself told!

Anyway I had better go and put my feet up and rest a bit more. If only resting would help my sore boobs!!! Ah the joys of pregnancy!

Giving Birth - What to Wear?

2009-05-19T00:24:00.004+10:00

I know it is late! Right now I wish that I could just snuggle up to Steve and fall asleep but it just doesn't seem to be that simple for me lately! I am not sure if it is the tummy that I suddenly seem to have that is just feeling very large and encumbering or if it is the anxiety that sometimes wells up inside me. Anyway whatever it is I sure wish that it would find someone else to annoy because I am getting really really tired of not sleeping!

But good things can come from sleepless situations. I am not your primal earth mumma type! Gee I wish I was. You know the gorgeous kind of woman that I mean! Those amazingly beautiful women that carry children in a way that makes pregnancy sexy and mysterious and deliver their bubbies naturally and without complications or interventions! If you are one of those women ohhhhh how I wish I could be you!

I know that I am having a planned C-Section - I have had a natural birth. Our daughter was born after 40 long hours of hard labour and weighed in at 9 lbs. Everything seemed to be going well for our second childs birth but right at the last minute he changed positions and was in a transverse lie! So with my water well and truly broken it was off to the operating room for me. The next birth was quite similar and it was a positioning issue that caused him to arrive via C-Section. Our 4th little guy came into the world early and was also a Ceaser. So I know that I am having one last one and that is ok by me. But still there is that matter of what to wear and I would at least like to look nice when I go to the hospital! This link is so great and for the awesome mumma's that go through labour and natural birth I can imagine that it would be far nicer to wear something like Binsi Labour and Birth Wear rather than a daggy hosptial gown!

http://www.mummyslittlehelpers.com.au/proddetail.php?prod=0005

Bad Mum Award

2009-05-18T21:22:00.004+10:00

This morning I struggled to pry my eyes open at 6 am when the boys ran into the lounge room (where I slept last night) and jumped around me asking for breakfast, school uniforms, can I watch TV, I wanna play on Funbrain, No its my turn to use the laptop! Ahhhhh I am so sleep deprived at present that I really wasn't hearing what they were saying it was just like a jumble of information being thrown into an empty spinning vortex - that vortex being my brain.

I am not sure if I made any sense at all but I do know that I managed to call their father who convienantly decided to go for an early morning walk! yeah thanks for choosing today to suddenly be Mr. Fitness. Okay that was nasty but you know when you are just so tired and you just want someone to say hey why don't you go back to bed for an hour, I've got this covered.

Ha Ha . . . . . I dragged myself off the lounge only after the boss (the boss = 23 month old, gorgeous baby boy) told me "det up, my chair, want wiggies" Which translated means get off my chair as I need this 3 seater all to myself to watch The Wiggles for the first time in what will probably be an unending stream of happy childrens songs for the rest of the day! I made my way to the medicine cabinet as i was feeling the morning sickness beginning to crash down on me. There is nothing quite as horrible as the waves of nausea that hit for no good reason - except that there is a baby inside doing very exciting things to mumma's hormones.

My fantastic doctor perscribed some anti-nausea meds to me when I was around 9 weeks pregnant and I can tell you that they have been a LIFE SAVER! My digestive displays were far too graphic and frequent for my liking especially seeings as how I have a lap band to think about and really need to not be vomiting. So after the pill was taken and morning chores done and my lovely sister arrived to look after the kids. I went back to bed.

Tomorrow there is no school because of a teachers strike so it will be a day of fun and adventure as the 3 big kids and the boss go head to head for title of Lord and Master of the house and adults in the house! I am tipping the boss to come out as the champion but he really does have that cute curly blonde hair advantage going on! Melts the adults that know him but his sister and brother are not so easily moved! so until tomorrow - I am so tired im gonna go crash before I begin to deserve the bad mum award!!! - Goodnight!!

Resting During Pregnancy - How to Pass the time?

2009-05-18T12:43:00.005+10:00

So here you are! Your lovely Dr or Ob/Gyn has said " you need to take things easy, put your feet up and rest for a week or two!" If you are like most mumma's you dutifully nod your head and leave the office with absolutely no intention of doing what you have been advised to do. Why? "Bed rest or taking it easy is the last thing that I can do! My children can't look after themselves and the house won't clean itself"

Believe me, I hear your pain! In my last pregnancy I had been advised to rest and I thought that I was. I was still doing a lot of the house work and cooking and running around after the kids but not as much as was normal. When my tiny little 3 month premature baby arrived I realized my foolishness!! I have told myself since then that I had no other choice but really and truly I did.

Many of us have untapped resources in our friends and family. Often times they are only too happy to help but will not just offer because of all kinds of reasons.

I was terrible at accepting help but during this pregnancy, pregnancy number 5, I have no choice but to rest. As we speak I am lying in bed typing on my lap top! So what things can you do to make your rest time - bed rest more enjoyable? The following is a list of suggestions that I have come up with as my Sanity Savers for Down Time in Pregnancy!

Your personal Movie Marathon - instead of kids TV, take charge of the set and Hire Out ( there are stores that now deliver to your home so you dont have to leave the house!) 4 or 5 movies that you have been meaning to watch but never have the chance!
Organise your photo's - We all have them! some of us hundreds and some of us thousands of uncatalogued pics of our family! Invite a close friend or family member over to do the fetching and carrying and don't for get the Kleenex because a walk down memory lane is often an emotional journey.
The computer - your new best friend - the internet has made the world that much smaller and communicating online is so popular and easy these days that everyone is doing it. If you dont have a Facebook account consider getting one. Facebook is a social networking platform where you will likely find many long lost friends and relatives. I have found all of my old school friends and a lot of my cousins that I had not seen for years and years. It is lovely to stay in touch and to be able to read what is going on in their lives and most importantly be very nosey and look at all their photos!
Survey's - I would be lying if I told you that I have made my internet fortune off of surveys but it is very achievable to make an extra $50 a week taking surveys online. Check out the google search page and type in take surveys online and a whole new world will open up to you.
Make your own blog - why dont you go to www.blogger.com and create a site of your own! you can record your thoughts and your friends can read about the ups and downs in your pregnancy journey!
Flickr - is a photosharing website that I use to upload pics of my family so that my dad who lives overseas and other friends that are far away can see how the children are growing and what things they have been doing and are interested in lately!
Sleep - What about deciding to just give your body a chance to rest and find someone that is willing to pick up the kids and look after them for the afternoon while you rest!

Saturday

2009-05-16T09:40:00.004+10:00

What a gorgeous Saturday morning. It is the kind of morning when I crave gardening and doing those pottering kinds of things that one does at this time of the year! BUT I am not able to enjoy my day the way that I would like to because I am on bed rest and yes I am sulking. I want to be out and about. I want to go and look at cots and baby baths and baby clothes and toys and all of those normal things that pregnant mummas do!

I have had a bit of a cough for the last few days (thanks flu season and little school kiddies that have infected kids who have lovingly infected me!) and I think that the constant coughing has not been good for me on the bleeding front because last night it started again. :( So what has the Doctor said about it?

Well my GP said "no bleeding in pregnancy can be considered normal and it is very much a cause for concern."

My Ob/Gyn said "There is different sorts of bleeding. And unless the blood is bright red and accompanied by a lot of cramping you should not be overly concerned but certainly call if you are!"

Soooooooooo this morning I am left in a little bit of a quandry - Do I call the hospital? And they will say oh yes definately come in right now!!! or do I just wait and hope that things settle on their own. So far I am leaning towards the latter but that is mostly because the kids are busy today and Steve is going to be running them around the place and I don't want to throw everyone's plans out for what is probably nothing.

Lists

2009-05-15T10:54:00.006+10:00

I know that this is gonna get a nod from all of the awesome mummas out there! I am lying here (well perhaps not much nodding to the lying down part) and I am commencing the list writing! Where oh where would I be without my lists. Lists to help the pregnant fog that seems to lift for a few hours in the morning from ruining everything that I am meant to be organising for the rest of the pregnancy and then the arrival of this little one.

So I thought I would publish my "things to hurry up and get done already list" and hopefully some of you will take it upon yourselves to remind me what I need to do.

Find out where to get a belly cast done - and book myself in.

Book in 4D scan - hopefully for one of the days when I have to be in Brisbane on other appointments.

Fill in and return paperwork to Selengor Private hospital and drop it in there so that i do not have to go to the general again ( a very scary place!)

Book family photo's with Miranda Greer (love her work!) http://www.mirandagreer.com.au/

Organise Stephen (tongue very firmly in cheek now!) to clear out the room known as the paper room so that Justus and the other kids (and me) can get used to the idea of a little tiny person in the house by setting up the babies room. (obviously we have a few months for that to fully evolve.)

Ugh pay Aramis' school excursion fee TODAY!

presuade Stephen to let me make a chocolate cake - because I want to eat some and I think that that is about it for today!

Up Coming Appointments

21st of May - Appointment at 8:45 with Ob/Gyn - Getting fitted for belly support on that day!

2009-05-15T08:37:00.001+10:00

I'm having a very nostalgic morning this morning. I would quite happily stay in bed for a while longer just thinking about the kids and how much they have grown. It doesn't seem all that long ago that I was walking around with Aramis in his bubba sling or holding a happy little Justus just like I did in that picture. (ick i was blonde back then!)

I am sure that everyone has days like today, when the bed seems far more appealing than getting up and facing the washing, the mess, the cleaning and all of those things. Yesterday Kmart had a great sale so we made our way there and brought some clothes for the kids and some shoes for Dar and Aramis. It was the first time that I have been shopping since a fairly bad episode two weeks ago and I think that even though we were not out for long it was probably a bit much on me.

This pregnancy has been so stressful and I am constantly concerned. I wish that things were not like they are right now. The uncertain nature of things can really play with your emotions. I know that my moods are swinging but I am giving myself room to feel all of the things that I am feeling. After all, this is the last time that my body will ever grow another little human life and I want to savour every moment. The good ones and the not so good ones.

From the beginning of this journey I have had a little knot of emotion in my belly that just would not go away no matter how hard I tried to be postive, to think happy thoughts or how much I prayed. Sometimes our past experiences leave a footprint on our soul and I suspect that I will carry that with me for always.

Our Forth baby was 3 months premmie and is now a totally perfect, healthy and happy little nearly 2 year old. But the memories of the first 6 months of his life will always stay with me. I can vividly remember the surgeon telling me that I could go on and have more babies because he had delt with scar tissue in my uterus when Justus was born. All I could think was " you freaky man why are you talking to me about more children, did you just miss the birth of that TINY little person, were you not horrified by his first cries that sounded more like the mew of a new born kitten than a child." Since discovering that I was pregnant for the 5th time I have taken some comfort in the knowledge that my insides are ok. But I have had some other complications during this pregnancy that have been worrying.

I have had numerous bleeds and the one a couple of weeks back was quite serious. I found myself admitted to hosptial and upon my return home have been trying to build up my severly dimished blood count. So all in all it has been a very anxious couple of weeks and today I am very tired.

I want FOOD

2009-05-14T23:21:00.001+10:00

It is officially Hungry Time at our house! Why oh why does the need to eat strike at 11:30 every evening? This has been going on for three days now and I am guessing it marks a growth spurt in the little bubba in my belly. It will certainly spark a growth in the size of my belly if i dont get this under control! hehehehe.

Ok so the whole eating thing is not all that strange for a pregnant lady. But I am not your average, run of the mill mummy with a bun in the oven. I also have a lapband and I am not supposed to get hungry! It is really funny to me to be feeling hungry again - after months and months of life with a band in place.

So what kind of foods am I craving? Well actually tonight I want rasberries! I wanted them the other night and we were all out but the gorceries were delivered this morning and I made sure that I was not short of my lovely little red pieces of heaven! So I am going to go and indulge in a few! I will talk to you again soon!

A funny old night!

2009-05-14T08:04:00.001+10:00

Tonight was a funny old night at the Jarrett homestead. Steve and I are relaxing a little and the tension he has been feeling that has been so obvious to me was a little less tonight.
Steve came with me to the ultrasound today (of course) and had to leave just before the end of it to pick the kids up from school. I went on to my Doctors appointment and Steve took the boys to Auskick this afternoon and has also volunteered as a helper.

Mr. Jarrett is a pretty clever guy when it comes to kids and has this ability to be unruffled by big groups of kids (obviously a good thing when you are going to be a father of 5) and used to coach under 10’s cricket. He always played footy growing up and actually played a couple of games for one of the AFL (australian rules football) teams back in the day. He looked so cute in his parent helper shirt and Aramis looks so proud to have his dad with him.

The coach is still trying to get Aramis into his under 8’s team. He has been trying since last year but because the games are Sunday games he won’t be playing in them. Aramis is cool with that anyway – For him it is more about being with his Dad and having that time with him when they are alone!
Keturah has one of her weekly ballet classes on a Thursday afternoon so mum came to the rescue and took her to that today. Keturah was very proud that she only got corrected once in class today and that her arabesque is improving. Apparently she is sitting an exam this year so that is really great!
I am finally feeling that settling calm feeling that usually comes much earlier in the evening – just after the kids go to bed. I think that I have been quite uptight about today’s Doctors appointment. I knew that Woggins (bubba in the belly) was ok because I felt little movements over the last few days that let me know that we are on track but the ultrasound sure is reassuring. I was trying to remember how many ultrasounds I have had so far and I think that it is 6!!!!

The "Moment"

2009-05-14T07:57:00.001+10:00

When engaged in “the moment” why is it that our memory gets clouded? What part of the trials and tribulations of this journey had slipped my mind enough for me to have slipped into this pregnant state hehehe!

Picture this – Lap Band inserted and weight dropping off (perhaps that was the problem – if I had been more festively plump I would not have felt so much like having a Jump.

Fast forward 4 and a bit months and here I am suddenly looking pregnant AGAIN. Although this time I seem to be carrying much higher which is apparently because I now have stomach muscles and not just the “mush” that my surgeon told me was there before! (how rude)

Another charming new development is the appearance of ‘the line’ ! why am I one of the women that gets that brown line up the centre of my belly when I am pregnant? I escaped it for the most part with Justus but it is back with a vengeance this time!

Other alarming developments include hair loss (always happens to me) and my nipples turning darker and darker! Just when they had finally returned to well as normal as they can be after you have breast fed for nearly 5 years! 5YEARS! AHHHHHHHH.

Steve is looking forward to not having to get up at night and do bottles so that is a bit of incentive to breast feed again. I worry about how tired he gets and it is a little thing that I can do to make things easier for him. I will breast feed for the first 6 months no matter what. The benefits are too good to pass up if it is at all possible but I am not sure that I will go as long as I have done in the past. Tonight my boobs are sore. They have suddenly grown again and the days of wearing a bra with breast pads are back! Last night I found that the front of my nightie was wet! So bra and breast pads will be better than having to get up and change in the middle of the night.

I think that with everything having settled down and I am feeling much more confident about things but it is still hard to plan a whole lot. The main reason for my hesitation is that I really am not sure what I will be up to at any given time. I am finding the limitations that I’m living with are really starting to bug me but I know that they are there for a reason and I am not about to just spaz out and do the wrong thing.
Grrrr I am so hungry tonight! I had the greatest dinner and cannot possibly be hungry but wow I wanna eat something. I better go and forage for food.